Me and my giant nad went to the urologist yesterday. The waiting room was empty and every single magazine there was sports related. It was very macho.
The paperwork to fill out was daunting. Half of it was questions about how much I pee. There was one section where they ask me to describe the problem. I may have been a little flippant with my answer.
“Right testicle is greatly enlarged.”
The other half of the paperwork were disclaimers and promises to pay money. I saw that quote that I love so much in these kind of papers, the one that gives you all the confidence.
“I, the undersigned, understand that medicine is not an exact science.”
My biochemist wife gets a big kick out of that part. It goes into her list as to why medical doctors are not nearly as cool as biochemist doctors.
They let me into the examination room where I can not help but notice that this is the most kinky doctor’s room I have ever seen. There are TWO giant bottles of lube. There are plenty of latex gloves and tissues. There are little precise instruments that I know go up your penis. It was not a relaxing room.
My doctor comes in and I swear to Vincent Price that he might be twenty-five. He is also Asian with an unfortunate mustache that reminds me of my Asian friends in high school who were not quite old enough to pull off a mustache yet.
The doctor wanted to do an ultrasound himself. It was a world of a difference with a male doctor. Instead of a dozen towels, the guy slapped on gloves and got the fuck in there. I have never been so happy to have a guy playing with my junk. I am at the point where I just want answers as fast as possible. Modesty is way down on my list of concerns.
Then comes the questions. “You said this has just been here a week? You sure it was a week? A week you say?”
He says that he can tell that it is a solid mass and that my giant nad is growing. The fact that it has grown so fast is what they in the medical profession call, “A bad thing.” He wants to get the Giant Nad out and he wants it out ASAP.
Apparently, cutting your nad out is the FIRST step in diagnosis. They just can’t cut in there and take a peek first. He is concerned about the speed of the growth and he wants to get it out and have it analyzed. From there we will see if it is cancer or some sort of parasitic twin like Dr. Venture’s brother, Jonas. (I plan to name him Thomas if that is the case.)
So, they will take out my right nad, check out the growth and then look to see if the cancer is anywhere else. They are going to try to get me in for surgery this Friday but since I haven’t heard back from them, that is not a definite.
Correction- I just called them and they told me that the surgery is for Friday at 7am and you know what? They told me all this and I forgot it. I guess that is what they mean by shock. I remember the conversation now but I totally forgot it two minutes later.
So, the Giant Nad is coming out on Friday.