Mar 052010
 

Von Madd Laboratories is informing you that updates have been applied to your Von Madd Vibrator. There is no need to connect your Von Madd Vibrator to an internet connection. Updates have been applied using the new Quantum Matter Updater Satellite. WARNING! If your vibrator was touching a paddle at the time of the update, that paddle may now be a pink 38DD bra.

Updates include

*Added new vibration setting: “Fuck yeah!”

*Added audio instructions for first time users.

*Added audio instructions for dirty minded users.

*Added secret compartment for lubrication storage.

*Added alternate grip for left handed users.

*Reduced noise by 10%.

*Improved battery lifespan by 40%.

*Improved adjustable penetration depth by 34%.

*Improved night illumination glow by 78%.

*Fixed an issue where some users would experience radiation based mutations resulting in super powers.

*Fixed an issue where some users would see God.

*Fixed an issue where some users inexplicably had a craving for a chili dog after using the Von Madd Vibrator.

  3 Responses to “Von Madd Laboratories Vibrator Update”

  1. but I bought the vibrator specifically for the radion-based superpowers! (Well, that and the clit-to-jelly function, *sigh*) Please un-modify your upgrades this instant. God told me you would if I asked nicely.

  2. Von Madd Laboratories

    To Whom It May Concern,

    When I purchased this vibrator at the pharmacy last month, I was promised that it would help my wife’s sore shoulders (she works as a clerk for the city). Soon after I gave it to her, her outlook improved greatly. She was more cheerful throughout the day, did not mind at all when I had to stay late at work (which happens about 4 times a week), and was a genuinely happier person. I had assumed that this was due to the efficacy of your product, and that her shoulders were no longer giving her trouble.

    However, this month’s water bill came in the mail yesterday, and I see that our usage has tripled since last month. When I asked my wife, she smiled oddly and told me she was taking longer showers to help her aching shoulders.

    Clearly your product is not working. Please send me an address where I may return it.

    Sincerely,

    Frank Miller

  3. Medeline – Radiation Based Superpowers unfortunately came with 7 different forms of cancer.

    Frank Miller- We are sorry to hear your wife’s shoulders are still sore. May we suggest she try out our new ‘Fuck Yeah!’ setting and then ask her if she wants to return it. We recommend that you ask her this at a considerable distance from her.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.