In my infinite mercy, I requested that you construct a Warp Gate so that I may begin my conquest of your planet. In my infinite kindness, I planned to take your primitive world and educate it in how it can please me. I planned to make slaves out of most of you but the most attractive among you would have had the honor of serving me personally.
Obviously, I was being too kind. What did you do with the plans I sent you via telepathic carrier wave? Your scientists took this information and made something called an ‘iPad’ instead. I am greatly disappointed in you. I am however a little impressed that you would take a gift of mine and use it for your own selfish means. That takes balls which quite frankly, I was not sure your culture had.
You may be wondering why you still exist and have not been crushed by a comet passing between the earth and your moon. I was moved by your tribute to me yesterday. Obviously aware of my rage, you decided to please me by declaring a world wide celebration of lust. I witnessed all sorts of deviant acts and a mass consumption of chocolate and liquor yesterday. If you sought to appease me with carnal pleasures, then you succeeded. I was disappointed that you did not hold orgies in those stadiums of yours but then again you are a backwards culture in need of guidance.
I shall retransmit the plans for the Warp Gate. You have until this summer to build it. If you wish me to be in a good mood when I conquer you, I suggest you start preparing the female you call Shakira for her new role as my bath slave.
*Portrait by George Sportelli