Dr. Otto Von Madd here and I would like to talk about my absence from this blog. Some of you may have thought that Shon stopped chronicling my adventures because he was obsessed with evil space Queens. Well it is true that Shon is in the early stages of feminine worship but the truth of the matter is that he couldn’t write stories about me because of a confidentiality agreement I signed with NBC.
Last year I was approached by the executives of NBC to host a late night show they were going to secretly replace Conan O’Brian with. It was going to be called “Dirty Nights with Dr. Otto Von Madd”. It was an experiment in trying to be extremely racy and perverse in order to combat the smut on cable and the 700 Club.
My show would open with me performing a topical monologue about current event sna recent advances in science. It would also feature me getting a blowjob from a lucky member of the audience while I performed the monologue. If I climax before the monologue was over, the audience member would receive a new car. If I finished my monologue first, the audience member would have to perform oral sex on every member of the audience. Everyone wins!
I would have a band of topless female musicians. I would have a bottomless drummer who would use his massive member to play the drums. I assured NBC this would bring in that crucial 18-65 gay male demographic.
I would have the usual celebrity guests but since I have a low tolerance for popular culture there will be some changes. If a celebrity appears purely to plug their latest movie, show or book, then they have to wear the Shameless Promotion Butt-Plug in full view of the audience. Oscar season was going to be fascinating.
I won’t do any gimmicky top ten lists or mocking the intelligences of people on the streets. Instead I will engage in nightly experiments of the latest in sex toy technology. I will try out new paddles on aspiring actresses. Stuffy political pundits will endure the latest in ball squeezing technology. Reality Show stars will be bound into amazing positions. Science would always come first. Well, unless that lucky audience member wins herself a car.
Sadly all of this work on my part was for nothing. NBC was traumatized by my pilot show. One executive said it made his pants feel funny and another executive said that he was going to leave his wife. I am not sure why I am to blame for this but they offered to move my show to a 4am time slot. It is my understand that they hope to replace my show with one where mediums try to channel the spirit of Johnny Carson. I declined and took a 500 million dollar payout.
Oh well. I will use that money to fund my space station project. Let this be a lesson to scientists everywhere: television sucks.