Feb 022009
 

Ernie Kopper was born in 1942 in the Appalachian mountains of Tennessee. His mother was a preacher’s daughter and his father was a trapper. Raised with no formal education, Ernie took it upon himself to learn how to play the family’s fiddle. No one knew how to play the thing anymore but Ernie figured it out by his tenth birthday.

For years Ernie made a living playing his fiddle and traveling the most forsaken parts of the Appalachia. The country is harsh with little natural resources and often no infrastructure but Ernie loved that land and more importantly, he loved the stories and songs of the people that lived there.

In 1975, linguistic researchers from Duke University were in the area making recordings of the local dialect. The researchers discovered Ernie and tried to talk him into recording his songs. Erie was reluctant of having is talent taken away from the mountains but they finally found the right bribe. He recorded a massive 14 hour session for them in exchange for 3 gallons of the local moonshine and a copy of 1975 March issue of Playboy.

Among his recordings were several songs that may be related to the Apocafuck. Ernie claims all of his songs were gathered from the local people although some of his songs were obviously from other sources. For example, he had a rockabilly version of the Beatles, ‘She Loves You,Ya, ya, ya’ that clearly wasn’t composed by mountain recluses. Some of the songs discuss events happening in Europe while other songs seem related to current events.

When pressed about where these songs came from, Ernie told a fanciful tall tale. He said that he had a fiddle contest with a powerful with who called herself ‘The Singer’. He said they had a singing contest where the brids were the judges. If he lost, his cock would fall off. If he won, she would give him all the songs of the world and she would fuck him to boot.

Ernie claims she fucked his brains out so the new songs would have room to come in.

As a musician, Ernie was inspired. As a songwriter, he relies on questionable rhyming conventions and an even more questionable meter. Somehow he makes it all work through willpower, country charisma and some bad ass fiddle playing.

Presented here is one of his songs, ‘Slut of End Times’.

“Oh the Slut of the End Times is just raring to go,
She’s just waiting for the horn to come on down low,
She got a little dance for us, her body to show,
Show her tits, show her ass, Mmmm that show,
The show that makes men grow.

And the Slut of the End Times oh she’s got the biggest tits,
Bouncing like the salmon giving the men folk fi-its
The valley of her tits is just asking for your cock,
And if you spill your seed, the Slut of the End Times,
will lick up every bit.

And the Slut of the End Times, she’ll call you to the dance,
Which, running to her boy will be your only cha-ance,
She will dance with your grandpa, she will dance with your ma
She’ll dance with you under falling stars
till the last hurrah.

And the Slut of the End Times she will even love your wife,
She’ll hold you two close for the rest of your li-fe,
She never gets jealous oh you happy three,
The Slut of the End Times, she is the slut for me!

She never gets jealous oh you happy three,
The Slut of the End Times, she is the slut for me!”

Ernie Kopper still travels and is still playing his fiddle. At 67, he is supported mostly by his extended family of bastards that he has fathered. He says he has to keep practicing in case the Singer ever wants a rematch.

  2 Responses to “Slut of the End Times”

  1. Yet another triumph, Shon! Very reminiscent of H. P. Lovecraft’s Dunwich Horror. Speaking of which, I just heard that Jeffrey Combs (who played Herbert West, Reanimator) is playing Wilbur in an upcoming film version of said Necronomical story.

  2. Thanks Alex. Would you happen to know who’s directing that movie?

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