NO FUCKING GIFT CARDS! If it is for a coworker, sure, but if it is for someone you plan to ever have sex with, do not buy them a damn gift card! Buy them something personal, jackass. You know what never happens? A woman never says “Oh, one year Bob got me a gift card for Borders and that was the greatest Christmas ever!”
If you buy your loved one a gift card, do not be surprised when you wake up being ass-raped in the middle of the night. That’s all I am saying.
Also, when buying for the special cabin girl or boy in your life, buy them something as if you were still dating and haven’t been at sea for 18 years already. That means no vacuum cleaners, no blenders and for the love of Neptune, no DVD’s of movies you want to watch. Cocksucker, buy some romantic shit!
You know what else you need to do or you will be walking the plank? Wrap the god damn thing! If you have to pay other people to do it, fine, but get that fucking thing gift wrapped. If you give them something still in the store bag, you deserve to have your ear cut off.
Finally, rum, jewelry and threesomes are always the perfect gifts. You can’t go wrong there. Yo ho ho and have a merry Christmas.
Scarlett Drake drawn by the ever cool Shyft9