Nov 242008
 

It was the day of the Quest. In the modest village of Fangcrack, the youth of the village gathered before the Great Seer. Nash was eighteen years old and eager to prove himself. He hoped to earn himself a second name half as good as his father, Kor TigerSlayer. With a good name, he could ask for the hand of the innkeeper’s daughter, Fara. With a poor name, he may have to marry his aunt, Maggie Nutcracker, who although she owned a large farm, had also out lived five of her husbands.

Nash thought about Aunt Maggie’s mighty thighs and shuddered.

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The Great Seer was so old that her second name was long forgotten. The old crone stumbled to the circle that had been drawn in the dirt. She shook the Quest Cup, rattling the sacred dice that allowed the Gods to speak such small mortals. The old woman took a long time to shake that the Quest Cup. She said it was to allow the Gods time to decide but Nash suspected the Great Seer wanted to enjoy every moment of a day where she holds everyone’s attention.

First was Warl, a slow lad of thick frame and a thicker mind. The Great Seer shook the Quest Cup and spilled the dice onto the ground. She studied the numbers and then looked Warl in the eye.

“You must bring back ten wolf pelts!” the Great Seer announced. The village cheered. It was a good quest. If he succeeded, he would be known as Warl WolfKiller. If he failed, well, he would be known as Warl Wolfmeat. That’s if he lived of course.

Next was Hana, a tall girl who some say was a little too smart for her own good. The Great Seer shook the Quest Cup and spilled the dice onto the ground. The ancient woman studied the numbers and consulted a chart that was inscribed on her walking stick.

“You must learn the names of all the gears for the mill house,” the Great Seer announced. The village applauded. That was a good quest. If she succeeded, she would be known as Hana GearMistress, and be able to make a living fixing things. If she failed, she would be known as Hana NotSoSmart and maybe become a waitress at the inn.

It was Nash’s turn. His heart pounded with fear. He took a deep breath and calmed his mind. Did he not practice his warhammer every day? Didn’t he run every day down to the river and back so that he could be swift? Did he not eat wisely, avoid liquor and do a thousand push ups every morning? He wanted to be a great hero and so he pushed his body at every moment for just this day. The Gods had to have a purpose for him.

The Great Seer shook the Quest Cup a good long time. She looked at Nash while she shook the dice. Her piercing eyes took in his long black hair, his mighty shoulders and the many many many muscles that covered his body. She spilled the dice onto the ground and it seemed to Nash that she barely looked at the numbers there.

“You must undergo a secret quest!” the Great Seer announced. Murmurs went through the village. A secret quest! Only the greatest of names could be earned with a secret quest! More importantly, only Heroes went on secret quests!

Nash was afraid. Would he have to slay a dragon? Would he have to capture lightning? What great deed did the Gods need him to do?

He bent down and let the Great Seer whisper in his ear. As he heard his quest, he frowned, he grimaced and then he grinned.

Later that night, Nash went to the castle of Lord BlackTower. He left behind his weapons and armor. He dressed only in black and even smeared the black mud of the river on his face and hands.

His mighty arms and legs easily scaled the walls of the castle. Powerful fingers that held onto swinging warhammers clung tightly to cracks in the wall. Incredible thighs propelled him upwards while the moat lurked below. Arms that could crush skulls held on to the wall no matter how hard the wind blew.

Inside the castle, his sleek body crept like a panther. Without a single sound he made his way deep into the fortress. When a guard did come across him, his fists crashed into them like a mighty boulder against their jaws.

Finally, he reached his goal. He made his way to the bedchamber of Lady Talleya, the young newlywed bride of Lord BlackTower. Eighteen bars secured her door but it only took Nash three kicks to break his way in.

Lady Talleya did not cry out when this dark stranger entered her bedchambers. So far her marriage had been something of a mystery. Lord BlackTower had lain with her only once before spending the rest of the night with his knights. After that one disappointing night, Lady Talleya waited every night for her husband to come to bed but he seemed to enjoy the company of his knights and their lances more.

“Who are you?” Lady Talleya asked.

Nash was not the wisest of his friends but he was wise enough. “Do you care?” he asked.

Lady Talleya thought about it. She cast the bed sheets from her body and revealed her young body. There were no night clothes on her curvy form. There was no cap for her long golden hair. There was no belt of chastity protecting the secret bush of her sex. When the neglected bride looked at Nash’s body, there was no doubt as to what she wanted.

Nash came to her bed. It was his first woman. It was his first quest. He did what he thought heroes would do. He took his mighty weapon in hand and put it to use. Over and over he swung the weapon that the Gods had given him.

Over and over, Lady Talleya asked him to swing again.

When he could swing no more and when Lady Talleya was so exhausted that she would not walk straight for a week, Nash finally pulled out. The Lord would have a son and the future of the Kingdom was secured for another generation. There was also a healthy dose of hybrid vigor added to the royalty gene pool but only Darrel HorseFucker would understand would that meant.

“A thousand blessing upon you,” Lady Talleya said. You may have all the gold you wish my handsome hero!”

“No milady,” Nash said. He placed one hand on her kiss covered breast. “I was told by the great Seer that you would give me my name. That is all I ask.

Lady Talleya reached between his legs. She felt his mighty weapon return. She giggled as she thought about how much longer her Lord would be with his knights.

“You are now Nash NightHammer,” she said. “Now return to your quest, brave hero!”

Nash NightHammer did as the Lady told him. As he re-entered her royal garden, he realized that with a great name, came many greater ladies to quest for.

The end.

  4 Responses to “Fiction: Quest for Manhood”

  1. Now there is an awesome coming of age story that really gets to the meat of what it means to being older. Yummy!

  2. Thanks, I’ve pretty proud of this quest/porn mashup.

  3. I’ll never look at hero names the same again!

    I’ve missed your blog the most, in my absence from the interwebs.

    (vows to check in more frequently)

  4. “he seemed to enjoy the company of his knights and their lances more.”

    Hahaha, pun much?

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