Today I go to the courthouse and file the paperwork I have gathered these last few weeks. When my anxiety gets the better of me I feel like I am about to take a test where failure results in me being humiliated by the entire courthouse. When I am less anxious I am merely pissed off that the concept of marriage is so institutionized that a man has to do the right paperwork in order to dissolve a relationship.
Obviously this has weighed on my mind and not helped with my writing. It has given me some funky dreams which I am willing to go through the filing process just to stop. My favorite dream was the one where I worked in a factory society that had a Guilt Pool that people who did bad things were supposed to go to and drown themselves. The person I dreamed about had done some minor crime and was supposed to go there, but he decided not to. All of society ground to a halt because they couldn’t figure out what to do next. Why wouldn’t the guy drown himself like a good drone? Didn’t he feel guilty like he was supposed to? The symbolism of that dream was so blatant I am embarrassed as a writer for dreaming it.
I hope that after I file the papers my brain will slow down. I can feel the genesis of a long story idea on the edge of my conscious but I have just been too anxious to focus on it. We’ll see how I feel tonight.
So I went to the courthouse. I got a small run around as people seemed to think that I needed to talk to a counselor instead of filing paperwork. When I finally arrived at my destination there was no line at all. This was my lucky day.
The helpful clerk explained to me that I did not have everything I needed despite me calling last week and going over everything I would need. The paperwork in question is a form that I had a feeling I needed but when I told my wife that we had more paperwork to fill out, she got back to me and said we didn’t need it. I don’t know what fucking legal advice she was getting but it was wrong.
What really frustrates me is that even though I wasn’t sure we needed that form, I wanted to get that form just in case. My wife doesn’t beleive in “just in case.” She believes “just in case” is a sign of weakness and lack of faith. Whether it is legal paperwork, saving money or printing out directions to a place; my wife sees this as unneccassary. Worse, she would tell me that my anxiety was making her anxious and we were better off not giving in to such paranoid thoughts. It frustrates me that I would beleive this crap.
I used to have anxiety dreams where we were in a disaster and I knew the right way to survive and she wouldn’t listen. She would get so angry when I told her about these dreams but then she wouldn’t do the things I thought we needed to do just in case. Fuck, I couldn’t win. If I saw something bad coming, I was being anxious. Not that it mattered because we weren’t going to prepare for it any way.
So now I need to print out another form, get her to sign it, and then get it notarized before I go back to the courthouse a second time. Fuck. I am so angry I can’t think straight. I just want to type obscenities on the screen till it all feels better.