I have been filling out divorce paperwork all week long. As a writer, I often find legal documents to be hilarious. The cold dry language just begs to be parodied and I would happily fill my blog with sexed up funny versions of most legal forms. Filling out MY divorce papers however has not been funny. The cold language has been depressing and as a writer I just want to write in the margins little explanations.
Take cause of divorce. They want you to pick a grievance of some great injustice that is why you’re breaking up or they want you to use the legal term of ‘no fault’. I know we fall under ‘no fault’ but man, I ask myself if it is my fault every day. I wonder if I could have done more, could I have been forceful with my wishes, could I have been a better husband or did I just fundamentally fail at some point at making that marriage work. Putting no fault just seems like a cop out.
The divorce papers spend a great deal of time talking about children. As a child of divorced parents I understand the need but it makes me wish there was a childless divorce form. Flipping through pages of children discussion makes me feel like there was an important part of the marriage we never got around to. It makes me feel weirdly guilty for not having kids to put through this mess.
The obsession with children in the papers gets me angry that we don’t talk about the things that matter to us. There is no discussion of pets and god damn it, I miss my cats every day. There is no discussion of music, of who gets to listen to the songs of the last decade without crying. There is no discussion of who gets to watch Sailor Moon without feeling guilty that a reincarnated princess of the moon and a amnesiac tuxedo wearing bad ass could make it work but two kids from North Carolina couldn’t. No where in the divorce papers do they talk about who has custody of the memories of monsters defeated and quests accomplished when we played City of Heroes and Everquest.
Damn it. I need someone to make those decisions because I get caught up in the misery, the nostalgia and the mourning of it all. What is the point of a divorce if they won’t separate those things for me.
All week I have also been writing a story. It has nothing to do with divorce, spouses or even romance. I’m enjoying the hell out of writing it because I think the main character really pops and it is a vacation from my current issues. I honestly don’t know what I would do without my writing. Making something, and knowing that people will read it, enjoy it and remember it years after I have forgotten it gives me the comforting feeling that I can do something that will last.