Thank you for electing me Speaker of the House. As the first African American Bi-sexual Dominatrix to hold this office, I am proud to be representing not only the Sexual Freedom Party, but more importantly, America. I’m afraid this gavel is a bit old fashioned though and will be bringing in a steel cane.
It’s been a long eight years since Fox News televised the federal execution of sex blogger, Pussy Hammer, for crimes of indecency. The public outrage was finally strong enough to sweep away the old centers of bigotry, prudishness and repression. The Sexual Freedom Party was founded in 2009, but in reality, our party has always existed among ordinary Americans. It just didn’t wield it’s considerable power till now. I reach out to our Democratic and Republican Senators and Representatives who still hold office and promise not to hurt them too much for the suffering they have caused us.
In celebration of controlling both the House and the Senate, I would like to lay out our plan for the first sixty-nine hours of our governance. And since we hold a large enough majority to overturn a veto, I suggest President Trump learn to behave.
First, we shall enact the Pervert Act which states that all pornography is free speech and protected from government prosecution. Further more, pornography is free from all prosecution from the government down to the family level. Bookmark your favorite porn sites with pride, because now not even your parents can make you take them down.
Second, according to the Rainbow Warrior Act, not only will gays, lesbians and whatever floats your boat be allowed into the military, they will be charge of the military. You straight people have killed enough folks of different colors. Let those who have yearned for tolerance decide who gets shot from now on.
Third, The No Ass Left Behind Act. Corporal punishment shall be replaced with corporal reward in our school systems. Do well in school and you get a spanking if you want it, or you get to spank a teacher if you lean that way. We predict a 400% increase in student performance.
Fourth, the Janet Jackson Act will make public displays of nudity legal and on SuperBowl Sunday, required.
Finally, universal health care. Seriously, why haven’t you assholes done that yet? This is common sense shit.
Before we get to passing laws though, I saw we take a quick dive into the new House Giant Hot Tub and get to know one another a little better. I’m feeling really horny with all this new power. Last one in has to balance the budget!