After a month or so of not having an anxiety attack I found myself having a full blown one last night. It was weird and unexpected, which is to be expected with an irrational condition, but I still find myself greatly pissed off. I had things I wanted to do but right now I find myself obsessing over how my stories, my blog and myself is percieved. I catch myself worrying about things friends haven’t said, about looks I get from strangers and about how the things I haven’t done will come out wrong.
I guess rationaly I saw it coming. Sunday I weaseled out of having to buy a lottery ticket because I didn’t want to meet a stranger. I waited in the long line at the grocery store because I knew the cashier. I didn’t anwser the phone Saturday when I didn’t recognize the number. So I guess I had been reverting to a social phobic state but man, the holidays and time off kept me so happy I didn’t want to address the fact that I was becoming scared of things again. This is called ‘avoidance’ and it is the most destructive response anxiety sufferers do.
I feel like I have stage fright all the time when I’m like this. My natural reaction is to throw myself into something distracting like a book or a movie, but I know that what I should be doing is digging out the Anxiety Workbook and do some exercises. Blah, that’s not terribly sexy.