Greetings, henchmen. As you well know, we are on track towards perfecting the Sexdroid 8000 in time for a massive Christmas orgy in which I will be the only human involved. My secret laboratory has made great advances in robotics and artificial pussy technology.
The recent blowjob-simulation tests have been very encouraging, and I would like to take a moment of silence for henchman #72. His sacrifice told us a lot about just exactly how much suction is too much suction. For the record, it’s not that much.
Despite our success, there are a few things I need to point out. And if you do not want to end up as test subjects for my Enema Laser, I suggest you pay attention.
First, please remember that the sentient breasts in Laboratory Delta are not there for your amusement. They are being created in the breast vats for a planned 2009 release to cripple world governments. Yes, they are cute; yes, they make awesome pillows; and yes, they are adorable when they rub up against your face, but seriously, these are experiments. Stop sneaking them to your barracks. I don’t want to know what you are doing with them, just return them. Wash them first, though.
Second, I have not been pleased with the kidnap victims our procurement teams have been bringing back. The kidnapped samples are to be studied and measured, so we can use the qualities of the most beautiful women in the world to perfect our Sexdroids. I understand that it’s hard to kidnap sexy women in a way that does no harm to them under the Beijing Mad Scientists Conventions on test subjects, but come on! Use the stun lasers you are issued, and stop using Craigslist.
Some of the women you bring back seem to be a little too willing to be kidnapped by masked men in leather. Quite frankly, some of them won’t leave. When you kidnap subjects, please maintain an aura of menace and quit showing them the unicorns from the mutant animal projects. We just need the women for their physical qualities; we don’t need their damn phone numbers!
Third, please remember that the Cat-Women of Laboratory Gamma are still being trained to be my vicious yet sexy bodyguards. The next henchmen who convinces a Cat-Woman that he is dirty and needs to be cleaned with her tongues will become the Cat-Women’s next scratching post. I have to admit, though, that whoever came up with the bright idea of having them tie each other up using their own tails needs to report to me. You just got your ass promoted to lab assistant.
Last, I want to remind everyone that my ex-wife, Vanessa Von Madd, has recently returned to life despite the very expensive assassins I hired to kill her. If you see a gorgeous raven-haired woman with tits the size of natural satellites, please remember that I created her out of spare parts from a cheerleader bus crash. Sure, she looks hot, but that bitch is literally cold-hearted. Shoot her on sight before she winds up wearing your balls as earrings. If you find that she is killing you, do your fellow henchmen a favor and hit the panic button on your wrist communicator. The resulting explosion might just take her out, and who knows, I might reward your sacrifice by incorporating your remains into my next cyborg killing machine.
Dr. Otto Von Madd