Dec 012006
 

Greetings, henchmen. As you well know, we are on track towards perfecting the Sexdroid 8000 in time for a massive Christmas orgy in which I will be the only human involved. My secret laboratory has made great advances in robotics and artificial pussy technology.

The recent blowjob-simulation tests have been very encouraging, and I would like to take a moment of silence for henchman #72. His sacrifice told us a lot about just exactly how much suction is too much suction. For the record, it’s not that much.

Despite our success, there are a few things I need to point out. And if you do not want to end up as test subjects for my Enema Laser, I suggest you pay attention.

First, please remember that the sentient breasts in Laboratory Delta are not there for your amusement. They are being created in the breast vats for a planned 2009 release to cripple world governments. Yes, they are cute; yes, they make awesome pillows; and yes, they are adorable when they rub up against your face, but seriously, these are experiments. Stop sneaking them to your barracks. I don’t want to know what you are doing with them, just return them. Wash them first, though.

Second, I have not been pleased with the kidnap victims our procurement teams have been bringing back. The kidnapped samples are to be studied and measured, so we can use the qualities of the most beautiful women in the world to perfect our Sexdroids. I understand that it’s hard to kidnap sexy women in a way that does no harm to them under the Beijing Mad Scientists Conventions on test subjects, but come on! Use the stun lasers you are issued, and stop using Craigslist.

Some of the women you bring back seem to be a little too willing to be kidnapped by masked men in leather. Quite frankly, some of them won’t leave. When you kidnap subjects, please maintain an aura of menace and quit showing them the unicorns from the mutant animal projects. We just need the women for their physical qualities; we don’t need their damn phone numbers!

Third, please remember that the Cat-Women of Laboratory Gamma are still being trained to be my vicious yet sexy bodyguards. The next henchmen who convinces a Cat-Woman that he is dirty and needs to be cleaned with her tongues will become the Cat-Women’s next scratching post. I have to admit, though, that whoever came up with the bright idea of having them tie each other up using their own tails needs to report to me. You just got your ass promoted to lab assistant.

Last, I want to remind everyone that my ex-wife, Vanessa Von Madd, has recently returned to life despite the very expensive assassins I hired to kill her. If you see a gorgeous raven-haired woman with tits the size of natural satellites, please remember that I created her out of spare parts from a cheerleader bus crash. Sure, she looks hot, but that bitch is literally cold-hearted. Shoot her on sight before she winds up wearing your balls as earrings. If you find that she is killing you, do your fellow henchmen a favor and hit the panic button on your wrist communicator. The resulting explosion might just take her out, and who knows, I might reward your sacrifice by incorporating your remains into my next cyborg killing machine.

sincerely,
Dr. Otto Von Madd

  21 Responses to “Dr. Otto Von Madd’s Secret Lair Newsletter for Dec 1st, 2006”

  1. Doctor Von Madd,

    It has come to the attention of the World Perversity League that expirements conducted at your lab may exceed the currently established boundaries of international law and good conduct. In the interest of finding the truth to these allegations we sincerely ask for your cooperation in obtaining working samples of “sentient breasts” and “sexdroids” as soon as possible. We intend to study these, in the interest of science only, and assertain their impact on society as a whole. We must inform you that your wife, despite being made of spare cheerleader parts, has been most helpful to us. And she can really bake yummy brownies!

    The World Perversity League is in no way affiliated with the ArtfulDodger Foundation for World Domination, we don’t know who started those rumors, but they shall be hunted down and punished with a comfy chair!

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Dodger Von Trapp
    World Perversity League

  2. Use the stun lasers you are issued, and stop using Craigslist.

    Excellent dating advice!

  3. Dr. Dodger Von Trapp,

    Ha! You would love to get samples of my genius, wouldn’t you? Your pathetic World Perversity League laughed at me when I suggested making sex slaves out of Gummi bears but who’s laughing now? Me! You called me mad, which is fine since my name is Von Madd but I can hear the scorn in your voices!

    Damn it! I haven’t had Vanessa’s brownies in years. curse you Trapp!!

    With regards,
    Dr. Otto Von Madd

  4. lol that was very funny

  5. Dear Wordslut,

    Stun lasers are available through our online teleportation service. Please submit payment of $3000 through our Swiss Paypal account, or use the alternative payment method of e-mailing ten nude photos of yourself for science.

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Otto Von Madd

  6. Dear Dr. Otto,

    I’ve been agonizing over what to get my mother for Christmas and then I red your memo.
    Scrotum earrings!
    What a perfect gift.
    She’ll love them!

    Thanks,

    MX

  7. Red Velvet,

    Thank you very much. I shall spare you in the coming Climaxbomb Apocalypse.

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Otto Von Madd

  8. Madame X,

    The scrotum ear rings were a a result of my first attempt at a divorce with the lovely Vanessa. Luckily the new gorilla ball sack I implanted works great.

    Side note- Would you consider donating that lovely ass to science? I would like to add those curves to the database.

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Otto Von Madd

  9. Doctor Von Madd,

    Please rest assured that the friendly ergonomic Erectile-Dysfunctionator Intercontentence Missile currently headed in your direction is simply a gesture of how much we appreciate your scientific genius, rest assured that the total annihilation of you and your evil lab is simply business and not at all personal.

    Our World Pervisity League stands ready with our low-cost Chinese manufactured Sex-Babe slave hordes will fill the need nicely in the suddenly vacant marketplace.

    Have a nice day. :)

  10. Dr. Von Trapp,

    Was that it was? My Orbital Defense Vibrator, the Hitachi 69,000, deflected a missile attack today so it would land on the Vatican but since I was engaged in an experiment with a self replicating lube, I didn’t bother to investigate. Science waits for no missile attack! Neither does lube!

    I am penciling you in for Vengeance next Thursday.

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Otto Von Madd

  11. Dr. Von Madd,

    I believe you have at least 10 naked photos of me already, do you not?

    (I am also available for kidnapping should you wish to send an evil henchman to fetch me — although I suppose I might be too eager to be of use.)

    Please send my stun laser at your earliest convenience.

    Sincerely,
    Wordslut

  12. Wordslut,

    Those were ‘secret’ photos. The ten nude photos will be considered for our 2007 catalog, “Sluts of Science!”

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Otto Von Madd

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