A few weeks ago I was flirting with a vanilla friend. She knows of my domination tendencies though she has no interest in ever submitting. At one point she expressed surprise that I hadn’t grabbed her by the throat and had my way with her. It made me smile but I was also surprised by how little interest I did have in dominating her. It got me thinking and I now have a personal theory called Dom Diffusion.
I am not an aggressive person by nature. I can make friends with just about anyone. It comes from the fact that I almost never come into conflict with people. Even if someone is just flat out wrong, I respect that they believe what they believe and I deal with them like they see the universe. If someone thinks dogs are stealing his credit cards, then I’ll keep an eye out for dogs so he can keep his wallet safe. I treat everyone like I am a guest in their universe. Deep down I am not threatened by other people’s universes because I am confident that my personal universe will not be affected. If anything, I might learn something and write about it later.
This attitude confuses other dominants. Most dominants I have met have this constant aura of aggression. They see the world as something to conquer and control. They boss around other people and if they meet another dominant, they feel the need to take that person on in an alpha male kind of way. They are constantly subjugating the world around them and I think they are a dominant because they really don’t have any other choice.
Submissives I meet tend to not take me seriously. They are used to being conquered. They are used to being chased. They are used to the dom taking the lead and hey, maybe they’re right. Maybe that’s how it should be.
What I do is far more passive. I tend to exert control as the submissive gives it up. I move in where their will retreats like a sort of Control Diffusion. If a submissive says she doesn’t like to make a choice on something; I take that as an invitation to make the choice for her. If someone is willing and offering, then I take what they offer.
Sounds terribly dull doesn’t it? Where’s the passion? Where’s the rough grab and battle of wills? Where’s the drama? For me it’s a matter of eliminating the head games. I don’t want to harass, bully and beat someone down to my will. I want them to enter my universe of their own free will.
What has really fucked up my relationships is this is how I start. I move in as the submissive gives up. And once I am there, I stay there. I keep the lines of communication open and it’s consensual at all times, but once I move in and take control of something, I assume it is mine to have. I don’t like the shifting of control like something that needs to be bargained for every time. As far as I am concerned, a submissive is someone who wants to surrender control and be my creative project, my fucktoy and my anchor of submission. If I have to re-seduce them every time or threaten them into submission with the sheer machismo of my ego, then they really don’t want to be there.
And that’s when the ruthless side of me kicks in. If someone offers me an ass to spank, then I am going to warm that ass and enjoy myself. If a mouth is offered then I am going to use that mouth till my cock is damn good and ready. If someone wants me to be in charge than damn it, I expect to be obeyed. I think my demands throw my submissives because they mistake my passive approach at first as some sort of lack of conviction. Just because I don’t throw a woman down the first time we meet doesn’t mean I won’t growl when someone directly disobeys me.
I don’t know. Maybe I should be more aggressive. Maybe I would have happier relationships if I engaged in a bit more conquering. I just know that isn’t true to myself. I don’t want to overwhelm a submissive and bend her to my will, as much as I want my will to be so attractive and what they need that they drop themselves into the tide of my needs.
The nice thing about being a mindful person is that I know that even though this is my current attitude that it is not set in stone. Maybe as I learn more about myself I can change so that the people I have relationships with are happier. Or maybe I can learn enough so I can explain myself better and have more good relationships instead of bad.