Today we will teach you to make your own erotica but not just any erotica. No, we’re going to teach how to make your own erotic time bombs. You’ll plant these where they will inflict the most arousal and BLAM; body fluids will be everywhere.
Wipe that look off your face. This isn’t a damn writing class. I’m not going to review your work and you won’t have to listen to your classmates drone on about how THEY would have worked in a trick they read in a Neil Gaiman comic. Like a good erotiterrorist, you’ll be using materials found in your own home and relationship.
First thing first, select a target. It can be a spouse, a lover, a crush or a total internet stranger. Just pick someone you want to turn on for the rest of the day who won’t sue you for harassment. Remember, willing targets only!
Second, choose your method of communication. I like text messages because people rarely expect to find the word ‘cunt’ on a little phone screen. It can be by e-mail, it can be by leaving a message on their answering machine or it can be writing a note and sticking it in their wallet or purse.
Third, get horny. Read a blog, clench forty times or watch a few Shakira videos. Get your libido jumping just shy of dropping trousers and masturbating.
Fourth, write something short and well, sexy. Now is not the time to say something meaningful. Save that for the cuddling. For now I want you to channel that energy and write something you would only say in the middle of penetration. Make it short, primal and sexy. Hit your target’s interests. If he likes cheerleaders, give him a F. If she likes kisses, tell her exactly where you’re putting the next one. Don’t write to seduce, write to fuck. Strike them where they throb.
Fifth, send it to them. Hopefully do it in a way that they will not see you do it and look at instantly. Sneak it in their pocket, or text them when they are at work. A little secrecy is needed. You want them to discover it. Let them have the thrill of finding an unexpected present.
Sixth, wait. It’ll go off on it’s own.
Seventh, the response. They might call you up and ask why the fuck you wrote them a letter about ass sex. Here’s your only answer-
I was just thinking about you.
And that’s it. No other answer. You’ve let them know that they are your sex fantasy. Your work is done. They might come home and fuck your brains out. Or they might not. You might confuse the fuck out of them. That’s fine. It’s not about getting sex. It’s about planting that erotic explosion in their mind for just one moment. The next time they get a text message or answer their e-mail, they’ll be thinking of your last message. Well, that and whatever nasty thing you wrote them.
Go forth and blow their minds. They deserve it.