I’ve really been enjoying the erotica blogs I have been reading. I’m still in the process of reading archives before I pick some to recommend but I am finding a trend that I would like to talk about now. As an erotica writer and former member of a usenet erotica discussion group, I feel like I have some advice that might help the blogging world at large.
One thing that keeps coming up is that some writers feel like they are some sort of fake. They write long wonderful bondage scenes, they construct fantasies and share them with strangers and they often will pose nude for their websites, but for some reason they think that what they are doing is not real. Some of them debate their sexual orientation because the sum of their sexual exploration has been on paper, not the real world. The two trends I see are people who think they are not really kinky because they have never done it in real life, and the second is those erotica writers who think writing about wild fantastic sex doesn’t make them a wild sexual person unless they do it as well as write it.
I can sympathize with their plight. In the BDSM world especially, there is a big divide and social stigmatism between those with real world experience and those without. Chatrooms and IRC have created a generation of Doms and Subs who have played online but never had to make a real knot in their life. This creates a real problem as bondage can be a tricky thing and if the guy tying you up has never worked a release catch before, then if something goes wrong there can be a problem. It can be embarrassing for some Doms to admit their inexperience which is why some of them bluff and then get themselves into trouble. So as far as real life play goes, it helps to have some honesty and verification of real world experience. That’s okay.
So taking that in mind, I can see how this verification has bled over into the world of fantasies. Some writers feel like their lack of real world BDSM experience means they are fakes. No, it just means that if you ever do play with a partner in real life, you need to tell them the sum of your experience. You are still a Sub or a Dom regardless of your actual experience. Think of it this way, when you were a virgin, did you have a sexual orientation? If you masturbated to fantasies of men and you’re a woman who never had sex, did that mean you were not straight? Of course not. You are a Dom or a Sub because of your desires, not because you passed some real world test. There you go.
Now let’s look at erotic blogging as a whole. Some bloggers feel like because their blogs describe fantasies wilder than anything they have had in real life, that somehow they are not the cool sexual people their blogs claim them to be. I suggest that if anything, erotica writers are cooler than people who do go out and bang the entire football team and the cheerleading squad.
Let’s first look at what online erotica bloggers are doing. They are taking their fantasies, their goals and their experiences and using them to construct erotica that turns them on as well as their readers. They produce content of a sexual nature. A lot of this content is wish fulfillment where they explore what perverse things they wish would happen to them but circumstances are preventing. Some of these bloggers are married and have spouses who don’t share their fetish. Some of these bloggers are single and looking for partners. Some of these bloggers are happily married with a fetishy spouse but still their imaginations are sparking along other fantasy timelines. Out of the three types of bloggers I just described, I don’t think any of them are more real than the other. They all share the same state of desire.
Erotica writers exist in a state of sex. When other people are cataloging their comic books, or worrying about their next promotion or watching endless sports, we erotica bloggers are thinking about our next post and our next sexual adventure. Sex is our hobby, it’s our passion and few people think about sex as much as an erotica blogger does. Some of us have schedules for crying out loud and a good erotica blogger can watch paint dry and think of how to construct a sexy post around the moment. We are always in a sexual state of mind and our adventures are non-stop.
Some of those adventures take place totally in our minds and some of those adventures take place in our camera’s eye but ultimately all those adventures take seed in our reader’s minds. Our posts interact with their minds and the sexual energy is very real. Think back to how many times you have masturbated while thinking about a post or picture you had seen. Was that orgasm fake?
Yes, you have sex with your readers. It takes getting used to.
Ultimately, I hope this helps some bloggers with their identity crisis. Heck, I hope this helps some readers. Those of us who have made erotica our hobby have enough issues to deal with to get bogged down in questions of what makes us real or not. I don’t care if you are a 70 year old virgin who writes her imaginary fantasies of being a young nymphomaniac; you’re still a sex goddess. Now let’s get back into the state of sex and fuck another thousand readers with our minds.