Sep 102017
 

This episode starts with a dilemma as Arthur, the Dumbest Man in the Apocalypse, has a gut wound and Grace is trying to get him to a doctor. They are in the middle of nowhere, or to be more accurate, right next to the dreaded Scar which has cracked America in half and in my humble opinion, leads straight to Hell. In the middle of this wasteland is a highly suspicious Chinese restaurant that could have come from the Twilight Zone.

The owner of the restaurant is an older Chinese woman who comes across as the worse caricature of Asian-American cinema and just when you think Blood Drive might have finally crossed some sort of line to finally offend me, the Chinese woman breaks character and rightly explains that Americans want the stereotypes or else they don’t consider it authentic. She becomes Regular Wise Woman instead of Chinese Wise Woman and offers to heal Arthur.

Unfortunately when you end up at a restaurant the edge of the entrance to Hell, this is not a simple medical emergency. This is a VISION QUEST and oh Sweet Vincent Price, Arthur is the least qualified person to go rummaging on a vision quest.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate once again how Blood Drive both embraces the source material and yet rises above it. Other shows and movies would have been perfectly happy to have a racist stereotype and wave it off as being true to the grindhouse genre. Blood Drive acknowledges it, calls it out, and moves on. Man, I love this show.

Back to Arthur’s vision quest. He gets Evil Robot Woman as his spirit guide and it is cool to see the actress in another role. She very clearly explains the traps of his mind and Arthur very clearly falls for each and every trap. At least Arthur is true to type.

Grace on the other hand has a kick-ass fight with the Wise Woman and loses while Wise Woman points out that gasp, Grace has gone soft because of Arthur’s good influence.

Meanwhile, Arthur goes through Hell. He enjoys domestic bliss with Grace before she is revealed to be a murdering killer. He gets chased by zombie versions of Blood Driver drivers and her get betrayed and then tortured by his best friend, Tortured Cop. Holy crap, that torture scene was brutal.

At the end of Arthur’s vision quest, we see Arthur’s origin story. He was a thief that got into a gun battle with a cop over some stolen food. The cop decided to let him go with the food and cover his crime, in exchange for Arthur being a better guy. Arthur agrees, and that’s when the cop dies from the bullet that Arthur shot into him earlier. Oops! Arthur feels bad, and the cop decides this guy should be one to carry on his conspiracy-busting work. Arthur agrees.

Obviously the lesson from all of this is to not pass on your life’s work to the idiot that shot you and didn’t even realize it.

No wait, the lesson from all of this is that we finally see why Arthur is the Dumbest Man in the Apocalypse. He is torn up with guilt. He made a huge dumb mistake and he has been trying to make up for it ever since by Doing the Right Thing no matter how stupid. Holy shit, we actually have a believable reason for every stupid thing Arthur has pulled. He is no longer the Dumbest Man in the Apocalypse, he is the Most-Guilt-Ridden Man in the Apocalypse.

To make sure we understand Arthur’s martyr complex, Arthur shoots himself in the heart in his dream quest. Hmmm.

Grace passes out giving blood to Arthur in the real world. When she wakes up, Arthur is gone! Where did he go?

Cliffhanger!

Stray thoughts

Wise Woman said she lost her daughter, Aki, and has a picture to make sure we understand it is Evil robot Woman and not some other girl named Aki. Wait, does that mean Aki started as human? That would explain why Robot Aki could have great sex and then turn human.

I suspect that Grace was on her own vision quest as her experiences involved fighting, swearing and admitting her love for Arthur.

Rib Bone returns as a Christ figure in a very fucked up recreation of the Last Supper. Ah, Rib Bone, I would love to see you rise from the dead.

Even Vision Quest Slink steals the show in every scene that he is in.

I love how when Grace wakes up, the Wise Woman had vanished but she still left Grace a bill.

Sep 062017
 

Explorer’s Log: I have reached the star system designated “The Queen Tires of Your Excuses” by Royal Astronomers. The Carefully Managed Democracy is making their last stand in this system against the rebel forces. Giant fleets are attacking each other around the clock making exploration of this system near-impossible.

I say near-impossible because for the last three days I have been carefully avoiding detection by using incredible heroic measures that I am too humble to describe. Through great personal risk and sacrifice, I have been monitoring the battles as well as conducting long-range scans of the planets in this system. In two more days, I should complete my survey and be able to resume my journeys for the Glory of Queen Erishella. End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: Hopefully the Royal Navy won’t ever ask for the details of my ‘heroic measures’. If they do, at least I have thirteen more years to think of a convincing story.

Vaquel Di was asleep on top of Chairbot. Her beautiful brown face, topped with short pink hair, snored peacefully. The purple spacesuit covered her from neck to toe except for her bare brown ass which was being loving supported by Chairbot’s seat. The robot’s seat massage motors were humming as they gently kneaded her relaxing ass.

“PROXIMITY ALERT!”

Vaquel was awake as soon as the alarm went off. She jumped out of Chairbot and rushed to the Navigation Bay. Dark bruises shifted on her brown buttocks as she ran.

“What’s wrong, Mistress?” Chairbot asked. “Want me to shut off the alarms so you can sit your glorious ass back on me?”

“I rather not get hit by a stray torpedo,” Vaquel snapped. She glanced at the sensors. Had the battle she been monitoring moved? No, the edges of the fleets were still a good distance away. Did a battleship break formation and stray near her position? No, the scanner was picking up something much smaller. It could be an asteroid or maybe a stray torpedo after all.

“INCOMING TRANSMISSION!”

A red face appeared on the communication window. It showed a young Zatty male with a smirking smile. He was licking his lips.

“This is Captain Spakt of the Mostly Volunteer Space Force,” the Zatty said. “Please identify yourself.”

Vaquel sighed. “You know who I am, Spakt so cut the shit. What are you doing here? I just paid you to overlook my presence a few hours ago. I have the bruises on my ass to prove it. Or have you already forgotten how you made me spank myself while you masturbated?”

The Zatty grinned. “I haven’t forgotten. We have had a few casualties and we’re running short of pilots. The Fleet sent my fighter ship back on patrol so I figure if I have to work, so do you.”

“Really?” Vaquel said. “The deal was that you leave me alone for a full solar cycle after each one of our ‘sessions’. I’m not attacking anyone, I am just observing the battle. A battle you guys are losing by the way. You should be spending your time figuring out how you are going to flee this system when the rebels win.”

“Nice try,” Spakt said. “Fleet Command assures us that we are winning and our new secret weapon will turn the tide at any moment. They are just waiting for the last minute for maximum psychological impact. The Carefully Managed Democracy will make the galaxy great again!”

“Whatever,” Vaquel said. “I’m sore and I want to go back to my nap. Go away and we’ll play again tomorrow.”

“We’re playing when I say we are playing, alien slut,” Spakt said. “I am locking torpedoes onto your ship and warming up my laser cannon. So, what is it going to be?”

Vaquel felt a shudder of desire. Spakt’s ruthlessness reminded her of her own people. She was experiencing a strange mix of homesickness and lust.

“No, wait!” Vaquel said in a submissive tone. She wasn’t afraid of this asshole but it was fun to play the part. “I’ll do what you want, just don’t attack me!”

“Shall I arm our weapons?” Chairbot asked. “We outclass his vessel in every capability.”

“Shh!” Vaquel quietly said to Chairbot. She hoped that Spakt didn’t hear that. He might wonder why she kept submitting to him.

Spakt didn’t appear to notice. There was the sound of clothes rustling and then Spakt groaned. He was grabbing his cock.

“Alright slut,” Spakt said. “We’re playing a new game. Attach your dildo to the top of that doorway behind you.”

Vaquel picked up the dildo that she had been using for the last few days. It was white with a magnetic base. She walked over to the doorway and frowned. “Pointed down or out?”

“Pointed towards me,” Spakt said from the monitor.

Vaquel slapped the dildo to the top of the doorway. It protruded at a ninety-degree angle from the wall.

“Now what?” Vaquel said.

“Turn off your gravity support and mount the dildo,” Spakt said.

Vaquel did as she was told. The gravity field turned off and she began to float. She grabbed the dildo and held onto it as she turned around. Her suit already had a hole around her bottom so it was just a matter of backing into it.

“Ahhh!” she groaned. The dildo was thick and almost too big for her. That was why she had been using it for Spakt’s bribes. A bribe isn’t real unless it hurts.

Vaquel settled onto the dildo. She floated in the air, facing the monitor that transmitted her image back to the fighter captain. Short pink hair floated around her face.

“Is this what you want?” Vaquel moaned.

“Not quite,” Spakt said. He spitted into his hand. “Open your suit and get those milk factories out. You know I love your small brown pumps.”

Vaquel sighed. Her tits were huge but to the Zatty and their three-meter tall frames, they considered her to almost be flat. She pressed a button on her belt and a seam appeared on her chest. She pulled her suit apart just wide enough to let her round brown breasts float free.

“Yes,” Spakt groaned. “Now ride the dildo.”

Vaquel planted her feet on the doorway. Small magnetic locks in her boots activated and clamped her to the metal surface. Secured, she slid back and forth across the thick dildo.

“Faster, slut!” Spakt said. “Ride it like it was my seed shooter!”

Vaquel increased her pace. The thick dildo pushed deep inside her. The bruises on her buttocks flared and sent fire through her ass. She winced but she kept going as she impaled herself over and over again.

As she rode the dildo, her large breasts floated in the zero gravity. They bounced and collided against each other. Sometimes they smacked into her face which she was sure was the point of Spakt’s commands.

“You are an eager slut,” Spakt said.

“Yes,” Vaquel said. Her pussy was wet and flowing with juices.
“You like fucking yourself for me,” Spakt said.

“Yes,” Vaquel said. She liked being forced to fuck and hurt herself. It reminded her of home.

“You better like it,” Spakt said. “Or I could destroy your ship at any moment.”

“Yes,” Vaquel said. She was pretty sure that he couldn’t destroy her but the thought of fucking for her life had great appeal. There was no need for him to know that it was just a fantasy.

“Slap those brown head pillows,” Spakt demanded.

As Vaquel continued to fuck the dildo, she lightly slapped her breast. It was a light tap because she was curious if Spakt would challenge her on it. She liked being submissive but it didn’t mean she had to make it easy.

“Harder,” Spakt growled. “Slap the shit out yourself.”

Vaquel clenched around the dildo. That was more like it. She swung her hand as hard as she could at her floating breast. The sound of her slap echoed through the ship. Stinging heat exploded across her breast.

“Again!” Spakt demanded. She could hear him furiously stroking his cock through the speakers.

WHAP! WHAP! Vaquel slapped her right breast and then her left breast. Stinging pain blossomed across her tits.

“Keep slapping and fucking,” Spakt said. He was breathing hard.

Vaquel did her best. It wasn’t easy to do both but Vaquel was aroused enough to try. Back and forth she slid along the thick dildo. She slapped one tit and then the other at a steady pace. Each slap sent a burst of pain through her floating breasts that went straight to her soaking wet pussy.

“Just like that,” Spakt growled. “Yeah, you like it, you filthy alien slut. Slap those tiny milk pumps harder for me!”

“Yes, Captain,” Vaquel groaned. She was already slapping herself hard but she tried harder. Her hand slammed into her tender breasts at a rapid pace. She was hitting herself so fast that her hand was beginning to sting.

“Nice,” Spakt said. “Bring your meat port to the camera. I want a closer look at it.”

Vaquel pulled herself off the dildo. The thick phallus left her sex and she regretted its absence. She kicked off the doorway and floated towards the monitor. Turning in mid-air, her feet landed on either side of the transmission station and the magnetic boots locked her into place.

“Oh, fuck,” Spakt moaned.

“Like it?” Vaquel said. She squatted onto the monitor. Her fingers pushed into the thick mass of pink pubic hair and spread her brown lips apart to reveal the pink inside.

“Yes,” Spakt groaned.

“I wish you were here to lick it,” Vaquel said. “I would spread myself wide for you so you could lick as much as you wanted. My pussy is so wet, especially after my tits get slapped.”

“Stroke yourself,” Spakt ordered.

Vaquel plunged her fingers into her sex. Juices fell from her pussy lips as she fucked herself. Her hips rolled as she humped her hand.

“Oh fuck,” Spakt said. “Pinch both of your meat port lips as hard as you can.”

“What?” Vaquel said. “No, that would hurt!” She was more than ready to do it but she had to keep pushing him.

“Do it!” Spakt said.

“No!” Vaquel said in her best attempt at outrage. “I can’t!”

“I am locking torpedoes now, slut!” Spakt said. “I will slam a torpedo right up your exhaust port if you don’t pinch yourself NOW!”

A shiver of desire ran through Vaquel. She’d train him to be a good sadist yet.

“Okay, okay,” Vaquel whined. She grabbed a pussy lip in each hand. Her fingers pinched and her sharp nails dug into her tender flesh.

“Queen’s tit!” Vaquel screamed. She was willing to do it but it is still hurt.

“Tighter,” Spakt commanded. “And now twist!”

Vaquel hesitated. There was no denying how turned on she was; her pussy was dripping onto the monitor. She just didn’t know if she could take twisting right now.

“Do it, slut!” Spakt commanded. He tapped a few buttons on his console.
“WARNING! WEAPONS LOCK DETECTED!”

“Fuck you!” Vaquel yelled defiantly as she twisted both pussy lips.

Pain shot through Vaquel’s sex. Her pinched lips were already on fire but now they felt like they were being stabbed. The pain shot through Vaquel’s body and her sex clenched in uncontrollable spasms of desire.

“Hold it,” Spakt commanded.

Vaquel maintained the painful pinch and twist. Her body began to tremble. She bit her lip to keep from crying out.

“Hold it,” Spakt said. “Let me enjoy the sight of you hurting yourself for me.”

Vaquel whimpered. Tears sprang to her eyes. Her pussy continued to flow with juices.

“All right, let go and get your ass back on that dildo!” Spakt said. “Do it before I type in this command for the pulse cannon to fire on your ship! Hurry, slut!”

Vaquel released her pussy lips and gasped with relief. Her lips were still sore and it was going to hurt when she got back on the dildo. Was his threat real? Probably not, but it was more fun to pretend that it was.

She kicked away from the monitor and rocketed back to the doorway. Spinning around, she faced the monitor as her pelvis went towards the dildo. Her boots locked onto the wall and in one fluid motion, she mounted the dildo once more.

Vaquel was right, it did hurt when the dildo pushed aside her tender lips to enter her. The moment of pain was soon upstaged by the feeling of a nice thick phallus ramming deep inside of her. If anything, the pain was just an extra spice to the wonderful feeling of penetration.

“Slap your head pillows!” Spakt said. There was an urgency in his voice. He must be close.

She resumed slapping her breasts. The short respite hadn’t been enough and her breasts were still tender. They stung with every touch and her slaps only made it worse.

Spakt was breathing hard. He spat onto his crotch and stared at the monitor. She could hear his cock being pumped.

“Tell me you love the Carefully Managed Democracy!” Spakt said.

Vaquel winced. To a royalist like Vaquel, spouting propaganda from another civilization was deeply taboo. It was just unthinkable.
She slapped her breast as hard as she could. As the pain shot through her, she yelled out “I pledge allegiance to the Carefully Managed Democracy!

A thrill of desire went through Vaquel. She clenched tighter around and the dildo. Her sex shuddered from her heresy.

“The Carefully Managed Democracy is the best government!” Vaquel cried. The forbidden nature of what she was saying brought her closer to orgasm.

“Yes,” Spakt said. “More!”

Vaquel slapped her breast with cruel resolve. She deserved the pain for what she was about to say. “If the Carefully Managed Democracy had a cock, I would suck it!”

“PROXIMITY ALERT!” the computer announced. Vaquel stared at the scanner screen. Something was approaching and approaching fast.

“I’m close, don’t stop!” Spakt commanded. “Tell me you want my payload!”

Vaquel tore her eyes from the computer and stared at Spakt. He was breathing hard and his red face was flushed a deeper red. It would be any moment now for him to come.

“Give me your payload,” Vaquel said. “I wish you were here to give it to me right on my milk pumps! You represent the Carefully Managed Democracy and I want your payload so bad. Give it to me, I’ve earned it! My sore tits have earned it! Give it to your alien slut!”

“Yes, yes, WHAT THE F-“ Spakt yelled before his transmission suddenly cut off.

“Transmission lost,” the computer announced. Transmitting ship has been destroyed. New transmission coming from approaching vessel.”

“Oh fuck,” Vaquel said. The approaching object must have been a second ship. This was a war zone after all. She should probably get off this dildo and investigate but she was so close to coming. Maybe she would take the message first.

“Hail unidentified craft,” a voice announced. The monitor revealed two Zatty males sitting at a console together. “We are from the Strictly Rationed Liberty Forces. I am Captain Ghirby and this is my co-pilot, Lieutenant Plee.”

“Oh, hello,” she said. “I am Vaquel Di of the Royal Navy of Euphoria. I am on a mission of exploration. Please give me a moment to dismount and I can explain what I am doing here.”

“No!” Captain Ghirby said and Vaquel froze in place. “That is, we would like you to continue what you were doing.”

“Yeah, but if you could pinch your pump nozzles while you bounce, that would be great,” Lieutenant Plee said.

Vaquel nodded. “Of course,” she said. “I am always happy to cooperate.”

She grabbed her floating breasts and pinched her nipples. A wince of pain crossed her face that she exaggerated for her audience. She slid back on the thick dildo, making sure her face expressed every centimeter that was penetrating her.

The two aliens reached for their crotches. Their control panels blocked the view but it was clear that they were masturbating. Judging from the wet sounds coming from their groins, they had been masturbating already. How long have they been watching?

It didn’t matter. Vaquel was close to coming and these new pilots wanted to watch. She pulled on her nipples and her breasts stretched in the zero gravity. Her pussy humped the dildo and drove it deeper inside of her. She stared at the screen, making sure they saw the desire in her face.

Both aliens groaned. Their arms pumped their unseen cocks. The Lieutenant groaned while the Captain used a second hand.

“Declare your love for the Strictly Rationed Liberty Forces!” Captain Ghirby demanded.

A sinful tremor ran through Vaquel. Shouting slogans of a foreign government was one thing, but endorsing a rebel force? The punishment that Queen Erishella would decree would be unimaginable!”

She had to do it. Her pussy couldn’t stop spasming at the thought.

“I want to give my body for the cause,” Vaquel said as she humped the dildo. “I want to bend over and let every single member of the Strictly Rationed Liberty Forces fuck me! They could fuck my pussy or my ass; it wouldn’t matter. I would take it for them!”

“Oh!” the Lieutenant groaned and a fountain of seed gushed into the air. He threw his head back and kept stroking. More seed pumped into the air as he finished himself.

“What else?” the Captain demanded.

“I love the Strictly Rationed Liberty Forces so much that I would suck their cocks clean,” Vaquel said. “I would let them fuck my big brown tits. I would let them come all over me, one by one until I satisfied your entire force!”

Vaquel couldn’t hold back any more. The thought of sexually serving a rebel army was too treasonous to even imagine. Her pleasure pushed past the point of no return and a powerful orgasm wracked her body.

“Glory to the Strictly Rationed Liberty Forces,” Vaquel cried out, relishing in the forbidden declaration.

The Captain cried out too. A large load of seed splattered his control console. He kept pumping and his eyes never left Vaquel’s climaxing face.

When they were done, Vaquel slowly pulled herself free of the dildo. Her thighs ached from fucking and her tits were shifting mounds of pain. The afterglow was helping but she was going to need a fistful of pain killers for this.

First things first, she needed to address the pilots. The Lieutenant was up and around, cleaning the mess that they had made. The Captain was wiping down his console with a content smile on his face.

“Like I said, I am Vaquel Di of the Royal Navy. I am here to observe your conflict and continue om my way. I am a neutral party.”

“We know,” the Captain said. “We have been observing your interactions with the patrol fighter. We have been sneaking in forces while he was distracted with you. You have greatly aided the Strictly Rationed Liberty Forces.”

“Oh,” Vaquel said. “Uh, happy to help!”

“We are getting ready for the final assault today,” the Captain said. “You are free to maintain this position and record our victory. We will assign you a beacon signal so that our side will leave you alone.”

“That’s great,” Vaquel said. “Like I said, I am neutral but I wish you luck in your revolution.”

“However,” the Captain continued. “We may need to come back and confirm that you are free of Carefully Managed Democracy sympathies. Say, in about twelve standard units?”

“Sure,” Vaquel said. “Should I prepare anything?”

“If you have any yellow suits, that would be great,” the Lieutenant chimed in. “Also, get some oil for your milk pumps.”

“Remember,” the Captain said. “We’ll back to investigate in twelve standard units.”

The transmission ended and Vaquel sighed. When it came to governments and their rebels, she didn’t see much difference between the two. Oh well, better rest up before some other force decided she needed to be inspected.

Sep 052017
 

Blood Ceremony is a Canadian rock band that sings songs about witches, demons and classic horror movies. They use a flute which has the quality of turning every song into something that you can imagine playing during a Hammer film. Their albums are especially good as they come across as horror anthologies that don’t require you to know the sources of their inspiration.

This is my personal favorite of theirs, Goodbye Gemini.

Sep 042017
 

This episode of Blood Drive has a Western theme, complete with an evil sheriff, a gallows, a showdown and Ennio Morricone. Grace and Barbie end up in a town that has a continuous EMP pulse, preventing any sort of electricity.  This lets them remove their brain bombs and catch a short break. Grace uses her break to try to seduce Arthur but the Good Cop is too Good to just sleep with Grace when she is depressed.

However much of a Good Cop Arthur is, he is still the dumbest man in the apocalypse and a sucker for any authority figure that happens to be around. This time it is the Evil sheriff who tricks Arthur into sneaking into the next town over, and sabotaging their defenses on the flimsy premise that the people are vaguely evil. Arthur jumps at the chance until uh oh, PLOT-TWIST, the people are quite nice and the Evil Sheriff plans to hang innocent men, women and children.

Where is Grace in all this? She runs into Best Character in the Show, Slick, at the local coffee bar. Slick explains he diverted her to this no-electronics town because it is free from surveillance from Heart Industries. See, Slick is tired of Grace messing up his art and just wants to kill the woman. Corporate however has a ton of notes on Grace and won’t let him kill her. Slick plans to have a showdown with Grace and kill her ass once and for all.

Once again, the show notes are the real evil of the show.

Meanwhile, Tortured Cop gets free and spends about ten minutes back in the real world before nearly getting killed by raiders. Evil Robot Woman comes to his rescue and declares that she now feels this emotion that humans call love. Tortured Cop, with a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome, declares he loves her too. They have awesome sex and Evil Robot Woman’s eyes change. She is becoming more human and why the fuck not?

I don’t need to tell you that Grace eventually saves Arthur. I knew it was going to happen and so did you. What Blood Drive did that was clever was for the first half of the episode, we follow Arthur and his repeated attempts to get Grace to help. In the second half, we see Grace’s point of view where she is trying to find shit out from Slick and Arthur keeps bugging her about this week’s adventure until she eventually has to stop and rescues Arthur.

You know, I really wish we never saw Arthur’s side. The shit he went through was so predictable and quite frankly, the same stupid shit he always falls for, that I would have loved to have an entirely Grace episode where Arthur checks in to give us and her a bare-bones outline of the episode we don’t need to see.

“Grace! This Sheriff we met needs our help!”

Later, “Grace, that Sheriff is totally crazy! I got a bad feeling but I am going to keep doing what he asks!”

Later, “Grace, that Sheriff is really a monster and he tricked me into hurting people. Now some orphans are going to die!”

Later, “Grace, I fucked it up and now they are going to kill me too!”

That would have been awesome.

Quick thoughts,

The Scholar gets a girlfriend and becomes the new sheriff! Holy crap, is he the first character in this show to get a happy ending?

Slink got stabbed and healed as soon as the knife was withdrawn. He was also set on fire and calmly put it out. That boy ain’t human. I’m leaning into thinking Slink might be an actual demon from the Scar.

With no more brain bombs, I have a bad feeling we might not be doing the racing part of Blood Drive for much longer.

Tortured Cop’s eye-weapon is awesome and I wish I was still running role-playing games because it would be in the very next adventure.

Sep 032017
 

This wonderful stressed print is from SP3KTR who has a blog of his almost-daily occult drawings as well as an Etsy store where you can pick one of his drawings as a print.

The glorious thing about the stressing that he does is that the print looks like something torn out of some dark macabre book. His art is always great but he truly has a sense of the erotic occult. I am thrilled to have this page in my collection and it is a welcome addition to my altar.

Aug 312017
 

The Suckulent Witch is a Hustler erotica book written by Marsha Bourns in 1980. It is a surprisingly good story for the genre about a woman with magic powers, Allegra, and her downfall at the hands of the sexy warlock, Justin. See, Allegra has influence over men and women but she doesn’t think it is anything magical. She just thinks she has a hot body and the right mindset to manipulate the weak. After working for a real witch, she decides that she has learned enough occult terminology to fake it and set up her own magic shop in which she can bilk customers of their money. In other words, Allegra is a bad girl.

She makes her own coven which consists of a rich older guy, a hot young guy and the hot young guy’s girlfriend. Together they have sex and spend the older guy’s money. In a surprising twist for the 80’s, there is even some homosexual coven sex between the men.

All of this comes to a screeching halt when resident mysterious Might-As-Well-Be-Someone’s-Player-Character, Justin O’Neal, shows up. Justin is a true practitioner of magic and is worried that the stuff that Allegra sells will get someone hurt because magic is too dangerous to be sold to the unwary.  He gives her a mysterious cease-and-desist that Allegra ignores. He then curses her to being tired all of the time and she realizes magic might be real after all.

That doesn’t mean she instantly gives up and closes her magic scam shop. Nope, she engages in a rather low-key magical war with Justin. She loses in the end because hey, this is a porn book written in the 80’s and guys have to win.  Needless to say, everyone is having sex while this battle of wills is happening.

All in all, this book is not going to be mistaken for a classic but it surprised me with the tightness of the plot. I liked how Allegra was a disbeliever, and the magic used was closer to ‘real’ magic than than it was to fireballs and crystal balls. You can tell the author did some research which is almost unheard of for a porn book. if you are in the mood for some trashy occult sleaze, this would be a good book for your collection.

 

Aug 302017
 

Congratulations on writing your story/novella/manifesto! You put your blood, sweat and other bodily fluids into it and can’t wait to unleash it on the world! This is going to be the written work that makes you a legend as well as getting that cute redhead to finally notice you!

But hold on, you still need to proofread that sucker! You don’t want typos, bad sentence structures and poor grammar to distract from your genius. Someone needs to read this thing and make sure it is understandable.

In a perfect world, that someone should be someone other than you. A fresh set of eyes without inside knowledge of the masterpiece you created will look at your work with unbiased eyes. They are the best hope you have at catching all of the errors.

The problem is, proofreading is work and like all work, it should be compensated for. Oh, early on you will have people volunteering to proofread for you and those eager souls are truly a blessing but let’s face it, they are doing work for free and that is not right. The longer and more complex your work, the more of a burden it will be on your volunteer proofreaders to put aside their responsibilities to do you a favor. You should really hire someone to do it.

But what if your genius isn’t recognized by the world yet? What if your cutting edge work only gets three purchases a month on Amazon? In short, what if you can’t afford someone to proof your work?

Well then you need to go to to it yourself and I am here to offer my top six tips for Do It Yourself Proofing!

Tip #1

Take a long break and do something else before you proof something that you have written. The worse thing you can do is finish something and then turn around and edit it. You are too close to the forest to see the trees. I recommend writing another story, or ideally, something close to the length of the thing you want to proof. The more separation the better. This way by the time you come back to the story you want to proof, you will have forgotten some bits and be almost like a new reader to your own work. That is when you are really going to notice the unclear shit that you wrote.

Tip#2

Print it out. Look, you have been staring at this work on your screen for quite a while. I bet if I asked you about a certain part, you could scroll to it instinctively without looking.  You know the computer document inside and out but what you haven’t seen is the paper version. Print it out, and maybe choose a different font, and it will almost be a stranger to you. Strangers are good because you first meet a stranger that is when you immediately notice how big their nose is, or the fact that you use the word ‘sensuous’ in every other sentence about sex.

Tip#3

Read it out loud. This might seem annoying and it will certainly slow your proofreading down but let me tell you, it fucking works. This is the best way to catch when you have omitted a word from a sentence. Oh my Goddess, you also have no idea how bad your dialogue might be until you read it out loud. Weirdly, I learned this from the first Sin City movie. I loved the books, but when the characters were reading word for word from the book on the big screen, I was struck by how utterly ridiculous it all was. Reading out loud also slows you down and forces you to pay attention to every word.

Tip#4

Document your weak points. As you read your work, keep an eye out for patterns that you do. Some patterns are good and are what Richard Laymon called “your special sauce.” Other patterns like a tendency to use the phrase “deep inside her” twelve times in a single sex scene are not so good. As you note these problems, put them in a list that you refer to before every editing job. It will be a refresher course for you on what to keep an eye out for.

Tip#5

Your spellchecker is not to be trusted. Oh sure, it will help you from typing a garbage collection of letters but for some reason my spellchecker thinks ‘bene’ is a word. I am sure it is somewhere in some universe but it sure as fuck isn’t ‘been’ which is what I wanted to type. The spellchecker is there is to catch the big giant errors but only a proofreader is going to catch that you left out the word ‘the’. Just because there are no red squiggles on the screen doesn’t mean there still aren’t problems. They are just better hidden.

Tip#6

Read it backwards. This is my most effective tool after Tip#2. Some people read every word backwards but I can’t do that. What I do is start with the last paragraph and read it to the finish. Then I go to the start of the previous paragraph, read that and then repeat. Doing this makes me approach each paragraph fresh and lacking context. It is chopping the proofing into bite-size bits that are independent of each other. I catch all sorts of shit this way and my self-proofing has vastly improved.

Aug 292017
 

Who hasn’t watched the Wicker Man and wanted to run their own island of isolated cultists and do blood sacrifices? Well now you are in luck because the fine folks at Kilfox Games has their own Summerisle Simulator that they call The Shrouded Isle.  You are the cult leader of a village of cultists who believe the outside world is long dead. The cult is twiddling their thumbs waiting for the return of their Dark God who is supposed to show up in three years. Quick, everyone! Look busy!

Sadly, being a cult leader isn’t all about assembling a harem of love slaves and giving cool sermons. No, your little village needs to be kept in line. You have to make sure they stay ignorant or else they might figure out the rest of the world is doing fine. You have to keep their fervor up or else they might not want to sacrifice someone every season. You have to keep them disciplined or else they might skip prayer services to eat pastries or sit on comfy chairs. You have to keep their pertinence up to make sure sinners are adequately punished. Finally, you have to keep everyone obedient or else they might start making decisions on their own and you do not want that. Let any of those qualities get too low, and the village decides they need a new cult leader and the only retirement plan around here involves a torch or a knife.

But don’t worry, the five largest families in the village are here to help. Each house will happily lend you an advisor for the season. Now, these advisors might have secret vices like a thirst for knowledge or Dark God forbid, a sense of mercy, but they also might have some virtues like pyromania and a willingness to believe anything.  You start by knowing very little about your advisors except what the family is willing to tell you so you have to learn their virtues and vices through making them work.

At the end of the season, someone needs to get sacrificed to keep the Dark God happy. Remember those advisors you get from the five families? Those are the sacrifice candidates and you get to pick one. It is a great way to punish that asshole in charge of keeping every ignorant who keeps suggesting we start a public library. You get a neat sacrifice scene with varying amounts of blood. Good times!

Except, those five families get a little cranky if you sacrifice one of them. If the sacrifice is a sinner, then tough shit but if you are sacrificing someone for petty reasons or you sacrificed someone from their family last year, the family might get pissed enough to overthrow you. Sometimes they get pisses if you just don’t give them enough responsibilities. The families will find a lot of reasons to get pissed.

Which means you spend a lot of time in the game keeping your village controlled, looking for major sinners to sacrifice while still balancing the politics of the five families. Oh, and did I mention that the Dark God speaks to you in dreams and will make requests? He might decide that he wants twice as much ignorance as before, or maybe he really wants you to kill the Liar in your town and you need to go find out them.

This leads to wonderful situations like finding the Liar that the Dark God wants dead but sadly you killed someone from the Liar’s family last season so you have to hold off on your Dark God’s request and kill someone else, like Bob who didn’t do anything wrong except his family likes you a lot so you feel safe killing one of them for shit reasons. Poor Bob! He didn’t do anything except be in the wrong council at the wrong season. Politics man, it will kill you even in a cult.

This is a neat game about choices and sacrifices. It requires a certain dark humor but it is a lot of fun. The art is minimal and creepy and the music is perfect. You spend a lot of time investigating your cult members which turns it into a deductive game. I liked it a lot and you may too.

Aug 282017
 

In this episode of Blood Drive, the Gentleman becomes the new Master of Mayhem while Slink is demoted to janitor. The Gentlemen proceeds to over-compensate by blowing up three unnamed drivers and then trying to hold a management meeting where he emphasizes having class as well as sadism. He also gives Grace and Arthur a hard time and is annoyed to discover he just can’t murder people who are not actively racing. We are also treated to the most awkward seduction attempt of all time as Arthur tries to seduce the Gentleman so Grace can steal the control box.

Meanwhile, Slink lurks around corporate headquarters somehow managing to upstage executives while wearing a janitor’s outfit. He stabs my favorite corporate executive in the cafeteria showing once more that Heart Enterprises has a very slack employee-on-employee violence policy. Slink quickly tricks Tortured Cop into doing something stupid like opening a vault door while on camera because hey, Tortured Cop wouldn’t be Tortured Cop if he wasn’t so gullible.

Speaking of Tortured Cop, he has a subplot where he discovers that Evil Robot Woman is also fucking his former Cop Boss who I had totally forgotten about. He kills Cop Boss and Aki helps him get away with it. Is the cold robot having feelings? Probably!

Inside the Vault is a terrible monster with the best origin story ever. Dr. Vermaak, heart’s mad scientist, put all the nasty chemicals he had on hand, put them in one beaker and planned to inject it into a test subject. Before he could do that, he got startled and spilled the crap in the face of the test subject who became a Brute or Hulk depending on your mythology. A Brute that is traumatically susceptible to freaking out when something wet gets on his face.

The Brute is teleported to the Blood Drive where he fucks shit up. The Gentleman begs Grace and Arthur to stop it and they sure try in an awesome fight sequence between two heroes and an unstoppable muscle machine. My favorite part of the fight is when they slam a giant blade inside the monster who then later SHITS IT OUT of his body.

The Blood Drive executives are pissed that the Brute is killing the Blood Drive and Slink offers to fix it. They know he caused it but have no choice but to put him back in charge. Slink then uses the Gentleman’s own car to ram the Brute and after popping the hood, Grace and Barbie are able to feed the monster to the engine. Problem solved!

Oh wait, there is still the matter of the Gentleman vs Slink. Slink put it best when he said, “Oh please. You can’t out-dandy me!” As Slink whips the Gentleman’s ass, Slink also brags about how he manipulated everyone into the Blood drive with years of planning and secret scheming. That scheming includes getting Grace’s sister committed to Grace would do the Blood Drive, which I really would not have done in front of Grace. Oops!

The Gentleman ends up blowing his own head off thanks to some sabotage from the Scholar and one of the Blood Drive’s best characters comes to an end. Oh well, at least we keep the Scholar who might be the show’s most sympathetic character.

Stray thoughts,

At one point, the Heart CEO gives this speech.

“This race is the greatest sacrifice in human history. It’s a blood-stained altar. The gore-soaked peak of a Mayan temple. The smoke from an erupting volcano on Mount Olympus. And that pleasing aroma is not for a god, it’s for Heart Enterprises, the most powerful corporation in the known universe.”

Now maybe I am still buzzing from American Gods but this reinforces my idea that Heart gets their power from a supernatural source. There is a dark god in that Gap and he wants sacrifices.

Grace and Arthur’s battle with the Brute was awesome mostly because it was something happening in the background and off-screen while more important shit was happening on screen. Most shows would have made the Brute fight the centerpiece of the show but Blood Drive saved that for Slink vs the Gentleman.

It looks like Tortured cop and Evil Robot Woman might become a couple which would be my favorite wicked romance in a long time.

 

 

Aug 062017
 

This episode of Blood Drive sends our Heroes into a wasteland that also just happens to have the women’s penitentiary where Grace’s sister is being held.  I thought we were going to have a parody of women’s prisons but the show throws us a curveball by doing a parody of Amazon culture when we discover the women prisoners have escaped and are running a female Utopia/Spa. barbie gets beat up a lot and thrown into a cell to be milked later while Grace gets a spa treatment and is told how great her sister was.

You see, Karma apparently led a revolt against the prison guards and is the reason the woman have a spa lair today. Now that gets me thinking. What if Karma is the Mad Maxine of this world? She could be a lone wanderer, going from place to place, doing good deeds and defeating evil gangs and staying one step ahead of the sister that she doesn’t know is looking for her?

Now the Amazons try to spoil this idea by saying Karma fell in the rebellion and all they have of her is her ID bracelet and a really nice shrine. Nice try Amazon ladies! We all know that if there is not a body, then a character isn’t really dead.

The other plot involves the Murder Couple still having martial problems. I feel kind of foolish for thinking they had resolved their problems a few episodes ago. Anyone who has ever been married knows that no issues ever get resolved in a single episode. Murder Couple gets seperated by the Amazons and Murder Wife is seriously considering staying with the Amazons but her husband’s heartfelt plea for them to murder together wins her over. She slaughters some Amazons and creates enough chaos for the Heroes to take advantage of. Oh Murder Couple, you truly are the heart of the show.

Speaking of Heart, Tortured Cop is now a Security Guard and living in strange Stockholm domestic bliss with Evil Robot lady.  Tortured Cop almost immediately uses his new position to break into the wonderfully named Hall of Secrets to find out anything. What he finds out is Evil Robot Lady can spy on him through his eyes and she presses some buttons to make him projectile vomit until he submits.

Side note, if you wanted to write a grim dystopian BDSM story, you could gather enough ideas for a series of novels from Tortured Cop/Evil Robot Lady’s arc.

Meanwhile, the best character, Slink, endures another executive meeting. Sweet Vincent Price, watching Slink explain the appeal to the Blood Drive and what he is trying to do to clueless artless executives warms a place in my writer’s heart. In this executive meeting, Slink throws a knife into an executive, Slink gets fired and the head executive discovers that he can;t kill slink outright because Slink has a “Holding Contract”.

Let’s take a moment to think about how a contract prevents Slink from being killed by the head of the worse company on Earth. Why would a contract hold so much power? Could it be because that contract is infernal which would prove my earlier theory that Heart gets their technology straight from Hell? Hmmm?

Favorite random bits.

Barbie gets beat up by women alot in this episode and it is awesome.

The amazons have a milking machine to extract seed from men and it is wonderfully awful.

The Milked Men are douchebros who are placated with junk food, beer and video games.

Our Heroes get tricked by a painting of a wreck, which Grace calls “Getting Wile Coyoted”.

Some new drivers show up, without names, and pretty much die in 15 minutes.