Jul 212017

Blood Drive has had an amazing first couple of episodes.  They have had a streak of great action, great world building and greater character development. Sadly, all streaks must end and episode four gets a bad case of the “Are you fucking kidding me?”

In this episode of Blood Drive, the Heroes sneak away from the race to go to where Grace’s sister is being held in an asylum. Slink is not amused so he sends Rib Bone to go kill them. Also during this episode, we get flashbacks to Grace and her sister before the events of Blood Drive as well as even more torture scenes with Tortured Cop and Hot Robot Woman.

Now if you have ever read, watched or heard of fiction involving an asylum, then you know that there is a 90% that any asylum is being run by the inmates who have seized control. Blood Drive maintains that by having the crazy people in charge. What is bizarre to me, is that Grace and Barbie are completely obvious to this until it is too late. Barbie especially suffers from a case of near-terminal stupidity in this episode. Honestly, I wonder if the writer was new to the show or this was an early episode because Barbie is just about too stupid to live where as in previous episodes, he was Naive-But-Tough.

Rib Bone on the other hand, walks in and instantly asks the first person he sees how long ago did the crazy people take over. Go Rib Bone! I mean seriously, Rib Bone catching on was so damn entertaining that I almost forgive the stupidity of Grace and Barbie.

Sadly, the two other plots are not very good. Tortured Cop gets really put through the wringer in this episode. O-M-G was it rough. The bright light was when Hot Robot Woman took off her dress to reveal nipple-less breasts like a doll. That was a nice touch but man, you got a lot of torture to go through to get there. I will admit, I had a pretty good laugh when Robot Woman offered to collect his seed with the plunger or the hand. Poor Tortured Cop. It never works out for him.

As bad as the torture was, the flashback was worse. Grace and sister Karma get into a nightclub so Grace can get a job with the Blood Drive. They need money and Grace is trying to support her sister. Along the way, Karma overdoses on some drugs and gets committed. At the end we get more backstory where we find that Slink offers Grace a blood-sucking engine and a spot in the race to pay for Karma’s treatment. We also discover that Slink probably hooked karma on the drugs. Diabolical!

Yet, also dull. Grace trying to get the attention of a previous Blood Drive winner by acting slutty isn’t compelling to watch.  Also, she is a bad sister.

There are some highlights to this episode. The primary reason the crazies are crazy is that they are hooked on a synthetic sugar made by Heart Industries. When poor Rib Bone gets covered in the stuff, the inmates literally eat him alive. Barbie finds a nurse who teaches him how to act crazy to blend in and that’s cool. Grace had an awesome fight with an inmate that almost offsets the awful flashback.  We get a hint that Slink used to work at the asylum fifty years ago and doesn’t appeared to have aged. Wha? The plot thickens.

But sadly, we lose Rib Bone. Damn, I would almost rather lose Barbie. At least Rib Bone gets an awesome tribute in the end and who knows, maybe he will come back as a cyborg?

All in all, not the best episode of Blood Drive but it is still my favorite show on television right now.

Jul 172017

This a fan fiction story featuring adult performer Jay Taylor in the Zombies Run universe.  All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Jay Taylor’s hottness is the property of Jay Taylor. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. if you like exercising while listening to a zombie apocalypse drama, I highly reccomend Zombies Run. If you like sexy girls, I reccomend Jay Taylor porn.

“You’re doing good, Runner 5. The entire camera system for the village is back up and running. The router you reconnected seemed to do the trick. I can’t believe one raccoon could cause so much damage.”

Sam Yao cycled quickly through the different camera feeds. There was the empty village square. There was the cleaned-out grocery store. There was the main road leading north. There were the burned remains of the bus. There was Runner 5’s cute butt inside the electronic store.

Sam zoomed in. All of the runners were in great shape but Runner 5’s ass was a fantastic example of female beauty. The running shorts clung to her bottom and were soaked in sweat. He had a brief fantasy of cleaning the sweat from her ass with his tongue.

“No, no,” Sam said to himself. Stay professional. The runners relied on him to be their eyes and ears. He couldn’t perv on Runner 5 just because she was the hottest woman still alive in the zombie apocalypse. It wasn’t right and Runner 5 had saved the lives of Abel Township hundreds of times.

Sam turned on the mic again. “Thank you again for doing this quick mission. I know you would rather be back here for the Founding Day festival but you know how it is. As soon as we lose camera coverage somewhere, it means it might be a prelude to an attack. Since it was just a raccoon who likes to chew wires, you can come back now.

Runner 5 turned around and faced the camera. She shook her head in the negative. Her ponytail bounced behind her.

Sam became a hundred times more alert. “What is the matter? Did you find something? Is it Van Ark again?”

Runner 5 looked up at him with her enigmatic expression. She grabbed the bottom of her sports bra with both hands and pulled it up to reveal her sexy small breasts. Pulling the bra over her head, she tossed it to the side and grabbed her breasts. Her fingers pulled at her nipples.

“Oh no,” Sam groaned. She was doing it again.

Runner 5 smiled. Her high cheekbones almost glowed when she smiled. She licked her lips and gently rolled her nipples in her fingers.

Sam glanced at the shed door. He rolled his chair towards the door and turned the lock. If the Major came by, he would just tell her that it was an accident that he locked the door. She might even believe him.

“Sam,” Runner 5 said through his headset. “Do you want ass or more tits?”

Sam’s heart raced. Runner 5 almost never spoke. To hear her say his name gave him an instant erection. He rolled back over to the monitors and watched.

“Ass,” he answered.

Runner 5 nodded and turned around. She hooked her fingers into either side of her shorts and slowly pulled them down. Her hips wiggled back and forth as the shorts slowly exposed her perfect ass centimeter by centimeter.

A memory flashed. Sam was sitting in this very chair while Runner 5 sat in his lap. She had her shorts off then, and she wiggled and squirmed on top of his hard erection. Around and round she grinded her perfect ass until he came in his pants. That was the best Christmas.

On screen, Runner 5 pulled down her shorts and stepped out of them. She grabbed her ass with both hands. Her fingers sunk into her firm flesh and pulled. He could see the tight ring of her asshole.

“Holy shit,” Sam moaned.

Runner 5 licked her finger and pressed it to her asshole. She rubbed the outside of her asshole and Sam could easily imagine that it was his tongue. As her finger moved, Sam could almost taste her.

There was movement on another monitor. It was a zombie. The zombie was leaning against the wreck of the bus. Maybe it was trying to walk into it.

He turned back to Runner 5. She was grabbing her ass while her hips rolled. Fuck, she was hot.

“You turn me on so much, Runner 5,” Sam groaned. “I love watching your ass. I would love to bury my face in it. I would cover your butt in kisses and then I would lick your ass. I would fuck your asshole with my tongue. I want to taste every bit of you.”

Runner 5 moaned. Her butt clenched and all those wonderful muscles flexed along her butt.

“I would fuck your ass, if you let me,” Sam said. “I would be so gentle. I would slip inside you so carefully until I was deep inside you. Oh, I wouldn’t last long. I would try to hold back but it would only take a few thrusts before I came deep in your sexy butt.”

Runner 5 groaned. She leaned forward over the counter. She spread her legs and Sam could see the edge of her hairy bush. He zoomed in closer as she plunged her fingers into her wet pussy.

Now it was Sam’s turn to moan. Runner 5 fingered herself while her ass continued to clench. Her hips rolled as she humped against the counter.

“I wish I was there to fuck you,” Sam said. “I love your ass but I know your pussy would be perfect. It would be so warm and tight. I would bury myself deep in your cunt and fuck the hell out of you.

“Sam,” Runner 5 moaned. “I don’t hear you jacking off.”

He knocked over the pile of mission papers by the fan. Under the pile was a lunch box. Inside the lunch box was a pile of chip boards but hidden deep under them was a tiny bottle of lube.

Sam pulled his pants down and squirted the lube into his hand. It was almost empty. That was no problem. He was sure Runner 5 would bring him some more.

Runner 5 turned around. Sam gasped at the sight of her hairy bush. She had her fingers deep inside her as she leaned back against the counter. Her mouth hung open as she moaned and Sam had a quick fantasy of filling her mouth with cock.

Sam grabbed his hard cock with his lubed hand. He groaned loudly and Runner 5 smiled on the screen. He pumped his cock with a mad fury.

They didn’t talk as they masturbated but that didn’t mean that they were quiet. Sam knew that she could hear the wet sound of his cock getting jacked with lube. He could hear her groan with every thrust of her fingers. Their breathing got louder and louder as they came closer to orgasm.

Sam came first. He always did. When it came to Runner 5, he had no staying power. He came and he came loudly as he shouted his pleasure.

Runner 5 smiled at the camera as he came. She kept smiling as her fingers stroked her pussy to orgasm. She cried out and grabbed her tit as she came. Her slender body shook as she rode the aftershocks of her climax.

“Oh Jay, I have made quite the mess.” Sam groaned when he could speak again. He winced as he realized that he used her name on the comm line. That was a big no-no. Then again, so was using the surveillance system to masturbate together.

Runner 5 laughed and brought her fingers to her mouth. She licked her fingers slowly, putting on a show for Sam. It was amazing how much she could get into her mouth. When she was finished, she looked at him with an intense sultry look.

Sam knew what that meant. She was still horny. Everyone knew how brave and quick Runner 5 was but only Sam knew how insatiable she could be. Well, maybe some of the other runners knew. And the doctor. Okay, probably the motorcycle guy. Still, most people didn’t know what a fantastic slut she could be.

“If you can get it up when I come back,” she said, “how about I suck you off?”

Sam swallowed. His tender cock throbbed. “Well, then all I have to say to that is RUN.”


Jul 142017

The third episode of Blood Drive keeps the streak of great episodes going. In this episode, the Heroes must stop at a town that used to make cars but went mysteriously silent after a strange event. The city is filled with crazy cultist survivors and the horrible light-adverse mutants who now run the city.

First of all, hats off for naming the deadly mutating gas, Trioxin. I knew it sounded familiar and I got a big kick out of finding out it is the name of the gas from the Return of the Living Dead series. If you never heard of it, you won’t notice it.  That is the kind of Easter Egg I like as oppossed to the average comic book movie/series that does a dramatic pause when they make an Easter Egg. It is the kind of pause that makes me go, “Okay, you want that to mean something but all it means I now have to look on Wikipedia.” Folks, don’t do those kinds of Easter Eggs.

This episode gives us the subplot of the failing marriage of racers and full on psychopaths, Domi and Cliff. It is nice to know that even killers who murder for fun can have periods of no sex in their relationship. By the end of the episode, they get their groove back in a gory fashion. The storyline was cute but in a way I feel like we have exhausted their potential now. They can die now.

Speaking of dying now, Tortured Cop continues to get abused by Hot Robot. Holy shit, I can’t imagine being a writer for this show and having to do three episodes worth of torture banter. My wife is burned out on it and quite frankly, I am just ready for these two to move on. I like both of the characters and would like to see them do something different.

Which brings us to my favorite part of the show, we see Julian slink meet with executives who have show notes for his illegal murder race. The Blood Race is broadcast to rich fucks and corporate elite but the company wants to go mainstream. Julian is against it but like last episode, he is just helpless middle management.

The show notes were great. Quite a few of them were meta as Julian answered with asking for a bigger budget. Other show notes foreshadowed scenes and character time. I thought the whole thing was brilliant and I am quite jealous of the creativity.

There is a lot more that I am neglecting to cover, which is a good sign of how good the show is. I am constantly impressed with how much work goes into even minor characters.

Sadly, this episode sees the death of Clown Dick. I am greatly depressed that we never got an evil clown episode.

Jul 122017

Episode Two of the insane series Blood Drive evolves into a different beast from the pilot episode. We are given a history lesson that fills in a lot of what has happened to America. We are given multiple separate storylines with the Heroes bonding, Julian Slink at an employee evaluation, The Gentleman and the Scholar’s relationship problems, Tortured Cop’s ordeal AND a small peek at the villains of this episode, the Cannibal Diner Crew. A shit-ton is going on and yet no plot line feels lost or tacked on.

In fact, there is much going on that it is impossible to discuss a lot of it without doing a blow-by-blow of what happened. Instead of that, I just want to touch on them briefly.

First of all, the Orientation video for Tortured Cop explains that fracking caused a giant earthquake rift to open up in America. A company named Heart explored the ‘Scar’ and found “new minerals, morally questionable fuel alternatives, unnatural gases and deep wells of unidentifiable glowing goo.”  From this, Heart was able to become the most powerful company in the world.

The “morally questionable fuel alternatives” has to be those shredder car engines that run on blood. How do you find car engines that run on blood in a hole in the ground? My guess is that the Scar goes straight to Hell. It would certainly explain why the engines look like they were designed by Pinhead from Hellraiser.

That is my best guess. The answer I am hoping it will be is that the Scar opens into the Hollow Earth filled with sadistic Dero.

The second thing of note I want to focus on is the arc of Julian Slink. He runs the Blood Drive and in the first episode, he comes across as the Chief Villain of this evil race. In this episode we see him go to his bosses, at Heart, and sit for hours in the lobby. He is being put in his place and he knows it. This person who have come to know as the tormentor and villain is literally middle management in a bigger enterprise. not only that, but we see him suffer and go through insecurity. This transforms him from a villain into another victim.  The fact that he murders someone he perceives as his competition just includes us in his struggles.

This is quite unexpectedted and I applaud it.  Julian Slink is a charismatic character and I hope we see more of him.

Speaking of unexpected, Rib Bone, the main thug in the first episode, stops a huge brawl to find out who locked their dog in a truck with the windows rolled up. He wants to know so he can rescue the dog and kill the former owner. This promotes Rib Bone straight from Forgetful Thug to Monster-With-A-Heart. That is a clever and delightful surprise. Go Rib Bone! I hope he sticks around forever.

Which brings us to the couple who gets as almost as much screen time as our heroes. The Gentleman and the Scholar have an unhealthy relationship of abuse, homosexual sex and humiliation. Most other fiction in the ‘Grindhouse’ genre would have used the genre as an excuse for homophobia. They would have played up their homosexuality as a campy thing or something that is gross, but Blood Drive manages to treat it as just another bad relationship without getting offensive. Heck, the Scholar becomes a genuine sympathetic character. There is show of affection near the end that will warm your heart if you forget these guys kill folks for fuel.

Speaking of the Heroes. I don’t think I said much last time but the dynamic between these two is good. Grace is certainly the brains and maybe the muscle while Barbie is the heart and and more muscle. Can I say how much I love that the pretty guy is the one who gets stuck with the nickname, Barbie? That rocks. Barbie is a bit too naive for a cop but I am sure that he will get that beaten out of him.

Meanwhile, Tortured Cop keeps getting seduced and tortured by Evil Robot Lady. I enjoy their exchanges, especially as Evil Robot Lady is a quirky looking brunette instead of a statuesque blonde like something from Battlestar Galactica. It is a shame that the one prominent black character spends most of his time in bondage getting abused but I am sure he will have a thrilling arc later when he is turned into a Cyborg Hunter of some sort.

Last we have the killers. I am not a big fan of Cannibals in fiction. One of my problems is that movie cannibals are always filthy and disgusting. How are you supposed to catch anyone if your place looks like a sewer? I was pleasantly surprised to see these cannibals keep a tidy place and hygiene becomes a running theme. As someone who has worked in restaurants, it made my soul feel good to see someone die from not mopping enough.

All in all, this was the episode that really hooked me into the series. The explanation of the Scar does a lot of heavy lifting for the universe, while quite a few potentially shallow characters like Julian and Rib Bone were made into elevated into something special. So far the show appears to really aspire to be something interesting as opposed to just throwing gore on the screen.

RIP Fat Elvis. We never got to know you but then again, I guess being called Fat Elvis and dressing like the King is all we need to know.



Jul 052017

Explorer’s Log: I have arrived on the third planet of the star system designated “Beloved Third Toe on the Queen’s Right Foot” by Royal Astronomers. This is a busy system with various industrial and commercial interests. The planet I have chosen to land on has the densest population and therefore provides an opportunity to get the best data on the citizens of this society.

After landing at the local spaceport on the planet, I have decided to go out and perform a discreet surveillance on the infrastructure, local civilian forces and possible weakness in their planetary defenses. To perform this task for the Queen, I shall begin with popular bars and nightclubs. End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: Shortly after landing, I was contacted by a representative of the rebel forces. They wanted to get their robot with the top-secret plans. I told them that their idiot robot crawled through a garbage airlock and jettisoned himself out as soon as I took a nap. They were not happy with me and thought my explanation was highly unlikely. Fuck them, Chairbot said that was what happened and he is too servile to lie to me.

The rebel made some threatening comments and I kicked him in his baby pump. It is hard to take these losers seriously. They appear to be indecisive and cowardly. If they ever do rebel, which I highly doubt, it won’t be for another ten years.

Vaquel Di groaned as the Zatty male drove his cock deep inside her sex. The large alien stood on the side of the bed as he pounded Vaquel’s reclining body on the bed. She tightened her thick brown legs around the Zatty’s red hips. The Zatty grabbed one of her large tits and squeezed. Together they held onto each other as they fucked.

The bed shook. Vaquel reached out and grabbed the bedsheets. They were stain-resistant vinyl. It matched the décor of the hotel room which appeared to be Easy-Hose-Down.

Vaquel liked it. It was a dirty place for having dirty sex. The hotel was located next to a nightclub and charged by the hour. It was just big enough to fuck in and lacked any form of illumination except the city lights that came through the large glass wall.

“You are the tightest alien I have ever fucked,” the Zatty said.

“Damn right,” Vaquel said. The Zatty was three meters tall like all of his race and his cock was proportional in girth. Vaquel had spent months in Zatty space slowly getting used to the enormous phalluses of these aliens. It was time well spent.

“What’s your name again?” the Zatty asked.

“Vaquel,” she said. She didn’t remember his name and didn’t bother to ask. Who needs the name of someone you picked up an hour ago?

“I’m going to fill your piss tank with my seed!” the Zatty said.

Vaquel didn’t even flinch at the strange obscenity. “Then do it.” Her pussy clenched tighter around his thick cock.

“I’m going to rocket your cock intake!” the Zatty groaned.

“Yes!” Vaquel said. She was close, damn close.

“I’m going to squiggle thump your meat lips!” the Zatty cried.

“Whatever!” she yelled. She was . . .almost . . .there!

BOOM! A large explosion shook the fornication room. An angry red cloud surrounded one of the large buildings in the skyline. Smaller explosions blossomed around nearby buildings.

The Zatty stopped fucking and stared out the window. His thick cock pulsed inside of her.

Vaquel clenched around his cock. “Keep going,” she groaned.

He pulled out of her. She tried to hold onto him but he was too strong. His amazing cock left her sex leaving being an empty void.

“It’s starting!” the Zatty said. He grabbed his clothes and checked his communicator.

“What’s starting?” Vaquel asked.

“The rebellion!” the Zatty said. He was very excited. “The leaders were going to signal the start by taking out the Justice Tower and they just did! Now every righteous citizen must take up arms and overthrow the tyranny of the Carefully Managed Democracy! Isn’t it awesome?”

“No, it is not!” Vaquel said. She spread her brown legs wide and fingered the pink hair of her pubic bush. “Don’t you want to finish fucking before you go rebel?”

The Zatty laughed. “And miss out on the glory?” He grabbed his shirt and ran out the door.

Vaquel growled. This was unbelievable. No one left her sex unless they were dying or she had kicked them off. The insult was nearly unbearable but it didn’t curb her desire. She would have to take care of this herself.

BOOM! The room shook as another building exploded nearby. Cracks formed in the glass wall. Sirens screamed in the night.
Vaquel tried to ignore it. She pressed down on her sex and slipped her fingers in. Her greedy pussy clenched tightly as she stroked herself. She closed her eyes and pictured the idiot Zatty finishing what he started.

It was useless. Her fingers were too small. She couldn’t make the bed shake like the large alien could. Slowly she felt her near-climax slip farther and farther away.

“Fuck!” Vaquel yelled and climbed off the bed.

BOOM! Another building exploded and then melted nosily onto the street.

“Fuck!” Vaquel yelled as she pulled on her belt. She pressed a button and the green fabric of her spacesuit began to spread from the belt and over her body. The snug material slid over her large brown breasts, her hard dark nipples, her damp pubic bush, her sweaty thighs, her round ass and over her muscular arms. She stepped into her boots and the clamped tightly around her feet.

“Fuck!” Vaquel snarled as she looked out the window. The streets were clogged with people fighting. It was a fucking war down there.

“Fuck!” Vaquel snapped as she checked her belt for weapons. Customs had been strict and forbade her from bringing any armaments on planet. That meant she was only carrying what she could smuggle on her suit and it wasn’t much.

“Fuck,” Vaquel sighed as she checked her communicator. It was static. Either the government or the rebels were jamming signals. There was no way to contact Chairbot or her ship. That meant she couldn’t request a pickup. She was going to have to get to the spaceport on her own.

“Fuck,” Vaquel growled as she pressed a hand to her crotch. Her orgasm might have slipped away but she was still horny.

Enough bitching, it was time for action. It would be reasonable to exit the hotel room and take the elevator downstairs but Vaquel wasn’t in a reasonable mood. She was turned on and her blood was pumping. She planned to keep it that way.

Vaquel peeled a thin strip from her boot and attached to the window. The strip began to glow. She backed away to the far wall away from the window, took a deep breath, and then started running towards the glass wall.

The shape charged glowed a bright red and exploded outwards. The glass wall shattered into a thousand pieces just as Vaquel reached it. She took a giant leap into the air plunged towards the riot below.

Emergency anti-gravity fields pulsed through Vaquel’s spacesuit. She was still plummeting towards the crowd below but her acceleration was slowly dropping. The wind rushed through her short pink hair and a thrill ran down her spine and right to her soaking wet sex.

Five meters up, Vaquel’s fall has slowed to a gentle float. She landed on top of a rioting citizen. For no good reason, she smashed her fist into the Zatty’s red face. His nose crunched in a gratifying manner but it didn’t do anything to satisfy the need between her legs.

Zatty were fighting all around her. Armed authorities smashed into masked citizens. Only melee weapons were being used as both sides were afraid of accidentally hitting someone from their one side.

Vaquel had no such compulsions. She stepped behind a uniformed soldier and drove her elbow into her best guess for where a vital organ would be. The soldier fell to one knee as a rioting civilian hit him viciously with some sort of plastic sports tool. As the soldier tried to defend himself, Vaquel stole his pistol and blended into the crowd.

The pistol was made for larger hands than Vaquel’s but that was fine. A disproportion weapon worked better for intimidation purposes.

An engine roared and Zatty screamed. Something large and nasty was pushing through the crowd. Vaquel dodged fleeing aliens and climbed on top of a public urination cubicle. She wanted to see what was coming.

It was a bus of some sort. Judging from the hole in the windshield and the corpse stuck on the hood, Vaquel figured that it was a public transport vehicle recently liberated for the use of the rebels. Yelling hooligans had shot out the windows and were firing into the crowd. They were running people over on both sides.

Vaquel smiled. This could be here way out of here.

As the bus came closer, Vaquel pressed a button on her belt. A seam opened on the top of her spacesuit to reveal the generous cleavage of her brown breasts. They were small by Zatty standards but Vaquel had learned that aliens of all kinds everywhere appreciate tits of any size. She didn’t think the Zatty would be any different.

The bus screeched to a halt beside her. The door opened to reveal the driver leering at her. It was a Zatty woman with breasts bigger than Vaquel’s entire torso straining through a torn shirt. She was bald and had three separate piercings through her lips. The woman turned in her seat and wasn’t wearing any pants. Her sex was shaved and glistening.

Vaquel groaned. Her pussy clenched. She wanted her sex filled but she would settle for getting eaten out by this tough lady.

“Hey, what kind of alien are you?” the woman driver yelled at Vaquel.

“The kind that will lick any part you want to get a ride to the spaceport!” Vaquel yelled back.

The woman laughed and pulled a lever. “Get in and get to work on my slut flower! If you’re good, I might even finger zap you!”

“Fuck, yeah,” Vaquel said.

The smell of ozone filled the air. The hairs on the back of Vaquel’s neck stood up. A tingling sensation spread through her nose as if she was about to sneeze.

Vaquel’s training took over and she dived for the ground. She flattened herself and clamped her arms over her head.


A shockwave passed over Vaquel as burning metal and plastic showered the area. The smell of ozone was replaced with burning flesh.

She lifted her head. The bus was a burst shell of itself. Anything that could burn was burning. Anything that couldn’t burn was melting. Of the driver, there was only ash.

“Fuck!” Vaquel yelled. There went her ride! Fuck! There went her hot lesbian sex!

People rushed past Vaquel. She didn’t have to climb anything to see what was coming this time. It was a tank and it was twice the size of the bus. The ion cannon was still glowing from firing on the bus. Soldiers manned smaller guns on the sides of the tank and were mowing down any one who came close.

“These assholes owe me a ride,” Vaquel said. “And a good fuck!”

As the crowd ran from the tank, Vaquel ran towards it. She tapped a few more buttons on her belt. The seam on her chest widened until the top half of her spacesuit disappeared altogether. She ran topless towards the firing tank with her large brown breasts bouncing in the wind.

One of the soldiers spotted her. He swung the mounted weapon towards her but he didn’t fire. Other soldiers drew a bead on her but they didn’t fire as well.

“Tits truly are the universal language,” Vaquel said. She climbed up on the tank.

“What are you doing?” the soldier said. He wore a helmet that covered his entire face except for his mouth. He licked his lips as her tits was reflected in his mirror-visor. “This is a Justice Vehicle!”

“I need a ride to the spaceport and I don’t care who I have to fuck to get there!” Vaquel said.

The soldier’s mouth hung open. He pressed something on his helmet. “Sir, I have an alien female requesting a ride. She is offering to fuck her way out of here.”

There was a pause as the soldier listened. Vaquel wondered how many soldiers there were. Was there room inside the tank for a gangbang? Had she traded one dick for a whole tank crew of dicks? If so, this revolution might not be such a bad development after all.”

The soldier nodded. “Show me your soggy ammo box!”

What? Vaquel hadn’t heard that one before but she quickly guessed the meaning. She pressed a button on her belt and a slit appeared in her spacesuit above her sex. Pulling the seam apart, she revealed her slick pink bush and the glistening lips beneath.

The soldier reached out with his fingers. He pushed into Vaquel and she clenched tightly around him. Fuck, it was just a finger but Vaquel was grateful for it.

“She has a tight soggy ammo box,” the soldier reported back. “I suggest we bring her down. Request permission to ground and pound her first, sir!”

Yes! Vaquel was going to get fucked silly and get back to her spaceship! Who said rebellions were hard?

CRACK! The tank shifted towards the right. Vaquel nearly fell over but she held onto the soldier’s finger still inside her.

“Sir?” the soldier yelled. CRACK! The tank shifted towards the left. CRACK! The tank shifted forward.

Vaquel pulled the soldier’s finger from her desperate sex. It was almost physically painful for her to let her pussy go empty again but she had a suspicion as to what was happening. As the other soldiers started to scream, Vaquel took a running leap off the tank and back onto the ground.

CRACK! The ground gave way as the last of the underground charges went off. The tank sank into the earth and down into the sewer below. The scream of laser fire was followed by the screams of the soldiers.

Vaquel was impressed. The rebels must have had demolitions prepared underground to deal with heavy vehicles. That takes a lot of foresight and quite a bit of luck to set off the charges in a way to catch a moving vehicle. Lucky for them, a horny space explorer stopped the tank trying to hitch a ride.

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK!” Vaquel yelled. This time she had inadvertently sabotaged her own way out. Was she ever getting back to her space ship? Was she ever going to fucking get laid?

Vaquel raised her pistol and took a shot at a rioting citizen. The laser punched through the rebel’s head, punched through the soldier he was fighting and lanced through the arm of another rebel.

“Great,” Vaquel said. “Everyone is getting penetrated but me!”

She walked through the rioting crowd, shooting people in frustration. The holes in her spacesuit were still open, exposing her breasts, hard nipples and wet sex to everyone. People were too busy fighting to leer at her which just pissed her off more.

The sound of breaking class caught her attention. There was a group of citizens looting the front of a store. They were young Zatty men and they were stealing hover cycles. One by one, they zoomed into the air making their escape.

“Yes,” Vaquel said and started running towards the hooligans. She didn’t need something big, she just needed something that was fast.

By the time she reached the store, there was only one bike and one looter left. He had started the bike but stopped to watch the half-naked brown alien running towards him.

“Wait, I want a ride!” Vaquel said.

“Where are you going?” the man asked.

“The spaceport!” Vaquel said. She tried to hold the pistol in a non-threatening manner but it was heavy. She wondered how fast she could draw and shoot on him if needed to.

“Damn, that’s far,” the man said. “What you offering? Credits, stimulants or orifices, no one rides for free!”

Vaquel pointed between her legs. “I got it covered.”

“All right,” the man said. He patted the seat in front of him. “Get your cock-hugger up here!”

He pulled at his pants and a hole formed. A giant mass of red cock emerged from his pants. It hardened with every passing second.

“Queen’s tit,” Vaquel moaned. It was a monster of an organ. This was going to be a rough ride.

Vaquel climbed into the bike. It was a simple design that resembled an engine with a seat strapped to it. The rider was meant to recline with his legs straddling the frame. There was plenty of room for Vaquel to sit between the rider’s legs.

“My name is Rego,” the rider said.

“I don’t care,” Vaquel said and she sat on his cock. The phallus was thick but Vaquel was slick and ready. It pushed easily inside her and filled her deepest regions.

“Fuck,” Vaquel groaned. She was complete again for the first time since this stupid rebellion started.

“Down. I need to see,” Rego said and he pushed her head. Vaquel leaned forward until her breasts were resting on the frame of the hover-bike. The Zatty’s cock stayed inside her, pulsing the entire time.

Rego grabbed the steering handles that were on either side of Vaquel’s head. The hover-bike lifted into the air. Vaquel dropped her weapon as she tried to hold on. Her thighs tightened around the Zatty’s waist but not as tight as her pussy was holding onto his cock.

“For the people!” Rego cried and the hover-bike shot through the air with astonishing speed.

Gravity pushed Vaquel back against Rego. The alien’s thick cock impaled her and she cried out. The forward momentum pinned her to the immense girth.

“Yeah!” Rego cried and he slammed his hand down on Vaquel’s ass. The thin spacesuit was no protection from the Zatty’s huge hand. His palm impacted into her ass and she felt it deep inside her tight sex.

Vaquel cried out. She was stuck on a large dick but she needed friction. Straddling the bike with her thighs, Vaquel reached for parts of the fuselage to brace herself. Once secure, she began to rock back and forth on the alien’s cock.

“Fuck!” Rego yelled. The bike swerved towards a building and he regained control just in time to miss it.

Vaquel kept fucking him. A near-miss like that wasn’t going to stop her. Let him worry about staying alive, she needed to come.

The hover-bike dipped down towards the ground. They skimmed less than a meter above the rioting crowd. People screamed as Rego fought to maintain control.

Vaquel fucked him harder. She found the best places to support herself as she slid back and forth along his thick cock. Her motions were aided by the pussy juices soaking the seat and lubricating the way for her shifting body.

Rego yelled and the hover-bike gained altitude. It rose up at a sharp angle and barely missed colliding into another public transport. The hover-bike reached its maximum altitude and leveled off although now it was in danger of smashing into elevated walkways.

Vaquel looked up and watched buildings zip past. A walkway approached fast and the hover-bike just managed to dip under it. Lurking beneath the walkway was another tank and the hover-bike flew by too fast for the soldiers to shoot it down.

“Queen’s tit,” Vaquel moaned. She rode the Zatty’s dick even harder. Two near-death experiences in less than a few seconds! This beats the hell out of fucking in some hotel room.

“Yeah, ride my sperm cannon!” Rego cried. He slapped her ass again and then quickly grabbed the control handles as they nearly swerved into a bank.

Vaquel fucked him faster. The hoverbike vibrated beneath her. It felt great against her sliding sex. She hugged the bike tightly so her big brown breasts were flattened against the vibrating metal.

Laser fire ripped through the air. Soldiers were trying to take them down, obviously fearing that the hover-bike was going to strafe them. The bike swerved and janked as Rego tried to desperately dodge the weapons fire.

Vaquel kept fucking. Something burned her arm but she kept fucking. The hover-bike shook as something slammed into it but Vaquel kept fucking.

As lasers tore through the air, Vaquel climaxed. Her sex spasmed around the thick alien cock. The vibrations from the hover-bike blended with the pleasure of her pussy until Vaquel felt like her entire body was climaxing.

“Right there!” Rego cried.

Whether he was talking about sex or an impending doom, Vaquel didn’t know. She clenched tighter and kept humping his cock. If they were to die, she hoped to get him off first.

Rego came. He roared his pleasure as a surge of seed filled Vaquel’s tight sex. She clenched tightly around him, milking his trapped dick inside her.

The hover-bike shuddered and dipped down. It slammed into the road and bounced upwards from the shock of the impact.

Vaquel came again. The sudden shock and skip sent shockwaves through her pussy and pushed her over the edge again.

The hover-bike flew forwards for several hundred meters before dipping back down again. It came down on top of a stationary vehicle and sipped forward again.

Vaquel climaxed again. She knew this kind of skipping was bad and probably meant their doom, but the sudden impacts were driving Rego’s cock deep inside her and her pussy reacted in the only way it could.

The hover-bike dropped again onto the ground and this time it didn’t rise back up. It skidded down the road with the horrible sounds of metal tearing coming from the base of the hover-bike.

Rego screamed and suddenly his cock was gone from Vaquel’s pussy. Vaquel no longer felt him behind her. She cried out at his sudden absence but at least this time her pussy was sated.

Vaquel hung onto the bike as it slowly skidded to a stop. The hover-bike hissed and beeped as various functions died or suffered catastrophic failures. It wouldn’t be flying again.

She climbed off the bike and nearly fell over. Her legs were jelly. She laughed and then winced as her tender pussy complained. There were going to be bruises.

“Where did that Zatty go?” Vaquel asked. She looked down the street and saw a red splatter that might have been him. Oh well, she was too sore to walk all that way to find out.

There was a sign nearby. It read, “Spaceport One Hundred Meters”

“Thanks for the ride,” she told the splatter down the road. “I think I can walk the rest of the way.”

Vaquel started walking, Her pussy was sore and made it difficult to walk. That was okay. The warm seed cooling in her sex helped with the pain.

Jul 032017

Blood Drive is a television series on the SyFy channel. It is set in the far dystopian future of 1999 where everything has turned to shit and gas is now 1000$ a gallon. There are food shortages, gas shortages and a helluva morality shortage but one thing there is not a shortage of is blood because every time someone dies, there is a geyser of that stuff.

The plot of the first episode is that a super hot goody two-shoes male cop is forced to team up with a super hot not-so-good female driver in a deadly race across country where all of the cars run on blood instead of gasoline. It is an illegal race run by Julian Slink for a group of lowlifes that also seem to crop up in apocalypses. The prize is ten million dollars but at the end of every day, the last person to cross the finish line gets their heads blown off by bombs implanted in their heads. Carnage and hilarity ensues.

It is an interesting show. When Rodriguez and Tarantino did their Grindhouse Double Feature, I thought they were ushering in a new wave of genre movies. I thought that as an audience, we were smart enough and at the same time, hungry for a sort of pseduo-grindhouse style where we embrace the crazy spectacle and mock the stupidity of the genre while still creating material that would fit in the genre. It was a big inspiration for my own novel, Pusse’ and Cox and I patiently waited for the rest of the world to do the same. Other than Hobo with a Shotgun, and a few other movies, it didn’t really happen. The closest we got was Jack Shear’s excellent Planet Terror, the RPG.

Now here we are, ten years later and we have one of the true inheritors of Rodriquez and Tarantino’s vision. The plot is stupid but gloriously entertaining. The references to previous genre movies are as endless as they were in Planet Terror or Death Proof. The characters are ridiculously hot and instead of indulging in will-they or won’t-they, the two main characters fuck in the first episode to save their lives. This is a show that knows what their audience wants and it gives it to them in bucket loads of blood, gore and sex.

Having said that, I had a small problem with the show. The cars need blood to drive so all of the racers are looking for victims to kill. At one point, a car full of smiling cheerleaders gets hijacked. It was disconcerting as a viewer to watch the cheerleaders tied up, crying and screaming. The cop stops it but you know, I was taken a bit out of the show. Up until this point, with the exception of the cop, we had seen only really nasty people in a nasty world. Even the cop’s police force maintains a quota of teeth that they beat out of citizens.  It is easier to accept gore and violence when you accept that everyone is a piece of shit anyway and probably deserve what they get. The cheerleaders break that concept and get me distracted thinking about to really deserves to get fed into a hungry engine rather than sitting back and enjoying the violence.

Funny enough, I am three episodes in and a similar situation has yet to happen again. I hope the show runners learned from that.

Stray thoughts,

ContraCrime, the police force owned by a corporation has as their motto, “We kill because we care.” Fuck, that is pretty much our police in the real world, isn’t it?

Julian Slink runs the race and I didn’t say much about him because you really have to see him to appreciate how awesome he is. He has the pacing of a DJ, the humor of a horror host and the menace of a promotion broker who really just wants to make some money this time.  he is played by the amazing Colin Cummingham and he is a delight in every scene.

How weird is this world? We got engines that look like something out of Hellraiser drinking blood, androids posing as people, a Murderous Clown driver, cops who carry computers that instantly assess crime penalties and pulse bombs in the back of your necks.

Did I mention how ridiculously sexy everyone is? Christ, even the male cop is supernaturally sexy.

Jun 082017

Explorer’s Log: I am on my first day of my thirty-seven-day journey to the star system designated “Beloved Third Toe on the Queen’s Right Foot” by Royal Astronomers. Systems scans show that everything is optimal but my own personal diligence has revealed that we are currently travelling under nominal thrust as if we have extra weight on board. I will engage in a thorough search for possible stowaways as well as examine the propulsion units. To accommodate for the reduced thrust, I am enacting an emergency protocol to use extra power to stay on schedule. The twenty-year mission for the Queen cannot be jeopardized! End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: I was recruited by rebel forces to smuggle a robot to the next star system. The robot has plans for a planet killing weapon and the rebels want to develop counter-measures. I could give a slave’s pimple about the rebels but I am debating blackmailing the rebels for a ransom before returning their robot. I am not sure what I should demand, although the idea of a bed slaves comes to mind. I have thirty-six days to think of something.

The robot exceeds my cargo limit but I think I can successfully lie about it for a few weeks. I have yet to activate the robot so who knows, it might actually be entertaining in its own manner.

“It doesn’t look like much,” Chairbot said. The robot chair had elevated his seat in what could only be described as a haughty manner.

Vaquel agreed. Right now, the robot looked like a bunch of metal bars stacked on top of one another. The box it came in didn’t contain any instructions. What kind of robot was this, anyway? Some sort of plumbing examiner?

“Oh well, it must be inactive,” Chairbot said. “Too bad! I guess we’ll never know! Would you like to sit on me, Mistress? I can detect that your ass is particularly sweaty today!”

“Eww, no,” Vaquel said. She self-consciously picked at her violet spacesuit. To make up for the extra power to thrust, Vaquel had to turn down the temperature controls. It was muggy inside the ship and her short pink hair was sticking to her scalp. The spacesuit insulated her curvy body from the heat but unless she wanted to wear her helmet for a weeks, there was still going to be some sweating.

She took a closer look at the robot. There had to be a way to power it up. If it did nothing else, she could instruct it to wave a fan at her.

A black button almost perfectly blended in with a metal bar. Who designed this shit? Vaquel pressed it.

There was a buzzing sound. The metal bars began to slide around. Two of the bars planted themselves and lifted the rest of the bars into the air. More bars slide around to form legs and arms. A metal bar rose from the shoulders and flashed blue lights. Small metal bars extended from the ends of bars to form hands.

“Still doesn’t look like much,” Chairbot said in a surly manner. “There is nowhere to sit!”

It was true. The robot now looked like a skeleton frame of a three-meter tall humanoid. It still wasn’t clear what its function was.

“Hello!” a polite voice said. “I am Fictor-96! I am a Personal Attendance Robot trained in eighty techniques of personal satisfaction! How may I attend to you?”

Vaquel’s eyebrows raised. “Personal attendance? I like the sound of that. What kind of attendance?”

“Anything you can imagine, madam,” Fictor-96 said. “I can answer messages. I can serve drinks. I can cook meals. I can bathe you. I can perform sanitary waste manual exertions on your behalf.”

“Wait, is that a fancy way of saying you can wipe my ass?” Vaquel said.

“I would be happy to, madam!”

“I didn’t hear provide a comfortable place to sit,” Chairbot said. “That’s too bad! I guess we have no use for you!”

“It may appear so, little friend, but I have a few surprises,” Fictor-96 said. He held his metal hands out. The buzzing sound became louder.

“Well, if you like that sort of thing,” Chairbot said.

“What? I don’t see anything,” Vaquel said.

“Sorry madam, I am unfamiliar with the ocular abilities of your petite species,” Fictor-96 said. He extended his hands towards Vaquel. “Feel for yourself.”

Vaquel reached out and felt his hands. There was a pleasant vibration as she touched something solid. “Oh, it’s a force field.”

“Yes, madam,” Fictor-96 said. “I am equipped with forty different force fields with nine different variable speeds. They allow me to lift objects, provide defensive cover, apply massages and substitute as furniture for rest and comfort.”

“I’m the only furniture that Mistress needs around here!” Chairbot snapped.

“Hush, Chairbot,” Vaquel ordered. “Don’t say another word! Fictor, what was that about massages?”

“The massage skills of my make and model are rated highly by robot users,” Fictor-96 said. “Although massages designed for muscle relaxing is my primary massage function, a surprisingly high number of users use their robots to perform massages of sexual gratification.”

“Queen’s tit!” Vaquel swore. “If those idiot rebels had told me that they wanted me to smuggle a sex robot, I wouldn’t have given them such a demanding time!
Wait, you are aware that you are carrying plans for some sort of terrible weapon, right?”

“I cannot confirm or deny such information to a user without the proper password or biometric data,” Fictor-96 said.

“That is smart,” Vaquel admitted. “Although it would be smarter if you lied about that rather than telling someone they don’t have clearance. Fuck, it is amazing these rebels accomplish anything.”

“Lying is outside of my capabilities,” Fictor-96 said. “Which means you can be sure that I am being completely factual when I say that I would like to demonstrate some of my sexual gratification fields for you at this time, since you seemed to have such an intense interest in it.”

Chairbot’s seat vibrated with jealous rage.

Vaquel kicked Chairbot. “Show me one of your sexual massage fields.”

“Where shall I apply it, madam?” the robot asked. “I shall also consider your limited ocular senses.”

“Try my breasts,” Vaquel said.

Fictor-96’s hand was surrounded by a red glow. He spread his small metal fingers and the field shrunk around them like a glove. The robot placed his hand on one of Vaquel’s massive breasts.

“Whoa,” Vaquel groaned. The spacesuit dulled some of the vibrations but not all of them. She felt her breast quiver inside her suit. Vaquel’s nipple hardened and poked against the violet material.

“Oh my,” Vaquel said. She took Fictor-96’s hand and pulled it down to her sex.

“Is it enjoyable, madam?” Fictor-96 asked.

Vaquel tried to speak but all that came out was a moan. The vibrations were wonderful against her pussy. If it felt this good with her suit on, how good will it feel inside her?

She pulled the hand away and gasped. “You have been trained to get people off like this? You finger-fuck them with your force fields?”

“I have been trained in that manner of stimulation, yes, madam,” Fictor-96 said. “However, I thought you might enjoy it more if I create a phallus to stimulate you instead.”

“You can do that?” Vaquel asked.

“Allow me to demonstrate,” Fictor-96 said.

A red field formed under what passed for a pelvis on Fictor-96’s skeletal metal body. The field coalesced into a phallic shape. It grew and extended to an impressive size.

“Whoa,” Vaquel said. “A little shorter and half as wide.”

“Yes, madam,” Fictor-96 said. The phallic field changed to her specifications.

Vaquel was impressed. It wasn’t often she got a cock made to order.

She touched a button on her belt. The skintight violet spacesuit began to retract to from her body. Her larger brown breasts flopped out of her suit. The material pulled away from her wide hips and generous ass. The pink bush of her pubic hair was revealed and they were already damp with desire.

Vaquel pulled off her belt and stepped out of her boots. She stood naked before the metal robot and its force field cock. “Well get to it, Fictor. Skip any foreplay you have programmed. I’m ready to go.”

“I will take that into my calculations,” Fictor-96 said. “Choosing random position. I’ve selected Executive Power.”

The robot bent over at the waist and grabbed Vaquel’s thighs with his manual force fields. He stood up, sweeping the explorer’s legs out from under her. As she cried out, the fields held onto her thighs and lifted her up. She was upside down with her head missing the floor by inches.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Vaquel yelled.

“Shall I subdue him, Mistress?” Chairbot said. The robot chair bumped aggressively against Fictor-96’s leg.

“Position is nearly complete,” Fictor-96 said.

Vaquel felt something thick and vibrating press against her upside-down pussy lips. It was the force field cock. The robot lifted Vaquel by her thighs and the force cock entered her sex.

“Queen’s tit!” Vaquel cried out. “Shit, that feels good!” The robot began to lift and drop her in a slow manner with its force cock inside her.

“I almost have him!” Chairbot said as he continued to ram against Fictor-96’s leg.

“Stop, Chairbot!” Vaquel yelled. “It feels great and if you stop it, I’m selling you for scrap!”

Chairbot speed away in a silent huff.

“I am glad that you enjoy it, madam,” Fictor-96 said.

The robot kept fucking Vaquel. The arms did most of the work, as it slid Vaquel’s tight sex up and down its force cock. The vibrations pulsed in an unpredictable manner that kept Vaquel shuddering with delight.

Blood rushed to Vaquel’s head. Her large breasts flopped down to her shoulders and felt weird. She had her arms down on the ground for lack of any better place to put them but it was still awkward. There had to be a better way to have sex but it felt too good to interrupt.

“Would you prefer this speed instead, madam?” Fictor-96 said.

The vibration inside her increased. Vaquel moaned as her sex was assaulted with more sensation. She clenched tightly around the field and rode the pleasure.

“I will accept that answer as a positive,” Fictor-96 said. “Standby for more friction.”

The field elongated inside her. Vaquel cried out at the increased depth and then groaned as it shrunk back.

It happened again. Vaquel cried out louder.

The field did it again and again and again and again. The force field cock was cycling through different lengths inside her pussy as the robot continued to lift and drop her in mid-air.

Vaquel squirmed within the robot’s force field grip. She wanted to wrap her legs around something but the fields hold her thighs wouldn’t let her move. She wanted to use her hands to hold onto something but hanging upside down as she was, all she could grab was the floor. She wanted to kiss or suck something but all she could do was bite her lip.
There was one more thing that Vaquel could do. She could come.

“Glory to the Queen!” she cried out. Her orgasm was powerful and rocketed through her body. The force of her climax was so strong, she felt herself on the verge of passing out.

Then again, that might just be from being upside down so long.

“Gratification detected,” Fictor-96 said. “Selecting another position at random. Changing to Rebel Hideout.”

“What the fuck is that?” Vaquel asked.

Fictor-96 lifted pulled out of Vaquel’s wet sex and lifted her body in the air. Vaquel was spun around so that now her feet were pointing at the floor again and her head was nearly upright. A wave of dizziness came over her as force fields grabbed and pulled at her limbs. She offered no resistance as she was guided into a new position.

Vaquel was levitating facedown a meter from the ground. Her arms knees were pulled up and pressing into her breasts. Strong forces pinned her arms around her legs. She felt like she was sitting inside an invisible egg of force.

“This will be tight, madam,” Fictor-96 said and he entered her from behind.

“Oh, yes!” Vaquel agreed. The familiar phallic force field was back inside her. With her legs compacted, she felt like a tiny ball of muscle being penetrated by something wonderful. The field pushed inside her and she felt tighter than she had in years.

“Prepare for heightened stimulation,” Fictor-96 said.

“What does that mean?” Vaquel tried to ask but she got her answer immediately. The phallic force field dived deeper inside her and then pulled nearly out almost as fast. It repeated the action as the vibrations increased.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Vaquel said as she was fucked. It was almost too much. The vibrations were too powerful. The penetration was too deep. The position of her body made her too tight. She was overwhelmed with sensation.

“Your posterior area jiggles in a manner that most sentients find pleasing,” Fictor-96 said. “I will record my visual data so you may appreciate it later.”

Vaquel frowned. Was this dirty talk? If it was, it was working.

“The tightness of your vaginal port is in the top five percentiles of desired sexual characteristics,” Fictor-96 said.

Vaquel moaned in response.

“If I was an average Zatty male, I would have reached climax three minutes ago due to your superior attractive qualities,” Fictor-96 said.

“Oh yeah,” Vaquel groaned.

The fucking increased in speed and force. Vaquel cried out as the vibrations filled her sex. As tightly bound as she was, it felt like the force field was penetrating her entire body.

“Do you want more, madam?” Fictor-96 said.

Vaquel laughed between gasps. She couldn’t possibly take any more, could she? There was only one way to find out.

“Give it to me,” Vaquel said. “I order you to fuck my brains out!”

“Complying,” Fictor-96 said. The fucking increased in speed. The phallic force field lengthened and thickened. The vibrations reach new levels of intensity.

“Glory to-“ Vaquel’s cry turned into a scream as the power of her orgasm broke through her body. She screamed in pleasure as her senses reeled. She kept screaming as her body shook and then collapsed.

“Oh dear,” Fictor-96 said. “Is she broken?”

Chairbot rolled next to Vaquel’s hovering body. “She’s passed out.”

“Is that normal?” Fictor-96 said.

“Only when the sex is really bad,” Chairbot said.

“That’s too bad, I thought she was enjoying it,” Fictor-96 said. “She had all of the signs of good sex. She was sweating profusely. Her breathing was elevated. The spasm of her vaginal cavity was rapid.”

“Correct, that is bad sex,” Chairbot said.

“I will enquire when she wakes up as you what I can do to make it better,” Fictor-96 said. “Is there a place I should put madam?”

“Mistress sleeps here,” Chairbot said as he rolled down the probe ship corridor. He stopped in front of a wall. A section of the wall lifted to reveal a bed bunk.

Fictor-96 carried the sleeping Vaquel over to the bed. He placed her down gently and deactivated his force field. Vaquel instinctively stretched out. Fictor-96 covered her with a blanket.

“Now that madam is asleep, I wanted to say something to you, Chairbot,” Fictor-96 said.


“I notice that you are jealous of me,” Fictor-96 said. “Although I am capable of providing many services to madam as well as endless variations in sexual pleasure, there is no need to worry about me replacing you. I admit, I do appear to be superior in you in many ways, including providing a place for madam to sit, but I am sure you will serve madam’s needs in your own way.”

Chairbot processed this. “Thank you for saying that. I feel much better now.”

“I am glad,” Fictor-96 said. “I am sure that we will become great friends. Now I need to recharge. Sexual gratification drains a lot of my batteries. I am unfamiliar with this ship design and the language of the signs is unknown to me. Is there a recharging station I can use?”

“You can use mine!” Chairbot said happily. Chairbot rolled over to a different part of the wall. A small panel opened retracted into the floor. The new doorway was just large enough for Chairbot to roll into.

“It is quite low,” Fictor-96 said.

“I am sure your superior design will allow you to use it!” Chairbot said.

“True,” Fictor-96 said. The robot’s frame began compressing onto itself. The leg bars telescoped down and the arm bars shrunk. The shoulder bar reduced in length. Even the robot’s head bar collapsed onto itself.

Now much smaller, Fictor-96 crawled into through the hole in the wall. Once he was completely inside, he scanned the interior.

“Chairbot, I do not detect a charging port,” Fictor-96 said.

“Oh, that is because the door needs to be closed first,” Chairbot said. The robot beeped and panel door slid close.

“I still do not see it,” Fictor-96 said.

“Really?” Chairbot said. “Even with your superior design that doesn’t allow lying?”

“What does lying have to do with-“ WOOOSH!

“Garbage Airlock Cycle Completed,” the ship’s computer announced.

Chairbot rolled over to the navigation pod. He accessed the ship’s systems to find and detect Fictor-96. The flailing robot was drifting in space as the probe ship continued its course to the next star system.

“Incoming message from outside object,” the ship’s computer said.

“Block transmission,” Chairbot said. “Delete log of transmission blocking. Delete log of transmission. Delete log of log deletions.”

Chairbot rolled over to Vaquel’s sleeping body. It placed itself with leg’s reach in case Mistress wanted to sit down when she woke up. Vibration motors began a maintenance cycle for peak efficiency.

“Mistress, the robot stepped right into the garbage airlock!” Chairbot practiced. “I tried to stop it but it said it was superior and knew what it was doing!”

Chairbot marked that lie as believable and filed it away for when Mistress woke up.

May 242017

In my interactive haunted house story, I have several endings where the reader is given the opportunity to join the house as a resident. This means they essentially become a monster in the house, ready to molest and terrorize new people coming in. I did something similar in my interactive UFO book where the aliens recognize that the reader is just as big of a pervert as they are, so they invite the reader to help them abduct and probe other races.

I like this kind of ending a lot. I have done it many times in my regular writing, especially the magical stories. That kind of ending casts the story in a new light. Instead of just being adventures, you understand that it is more of an initiation. By the end of the story, the main character, and in part the reader, is invited to become the story.

Even though I have been writing these kinds of endings for years, I only now realize where the inspiration came from. It is the movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. If you have never seen the movie, Charlie is a poor kid who wins a lifetime supply of chocolate and a trip to Wonka’s famous factory. Charlie is asked by Wonka’s rival to steal a sample of top-secret candy in exchange for untold wealth.  Charlie goes to the factory, encounters many wonderful mysterious things, watches other kids get eliminated one by one for their greed, steals the candy because hey, Charlie is dirt poor but then because of a minor transgression, loses the lifetime supply of chocolate. Now this is a big deal because Charlie’s family is so poor that the chocolate might be the only steady meal that the kid gets but instead of cashing out with Wonka’s rivals, Charlie returns the candy to Wonka because Charlie is the Best Kid Ever. That is when Wonka reveals that IT WAS ALL A TEST and now Charlie is his new heir and will now inherit the chocolate factory and live happily ever after.

Yep, I have been copying the end of this movie ever since. As a Poor-but-Good kid, this movie really impacted me. I realize that I have been giving away chocolate factories to characters and readers ever since.

Oh well. It is a good story to steal.

May 222017

Five years ago I had testicular cancer. I lost a testicle and had two rounds of chemo. After the cancer I was cured, I started to celebrate my survival by commissioning a sketch card where a sexy lady says “Fuck ball cancer”.

This year I commission Anastasia Catris to do a card of Clea from the Doctor Strange comics. I really liked how she incorporated Clea’s normal costume into the underwear. I also freaking love how Anastasia did those wonderful floating magic sigil hands.

I was 38 when I was diagnosed. That is a bit on the young side for testicular cancer but still in the range. If you are a guy, check those balls. Mine felt a little big for a few weeks and I just thought I was getting fat. If someone feels off about your balls, go see a doctor. Don’t put it off.

You know what, let’s say that goes for everyone for every part of your body. Early detection is key for any cancer. Check your body for lumps and size changes. Check often.

May 122017

The Houses October Built is a 2014 horror movie that feels like it has been sitting on my Netflix List for ten years longer than that. Now that I am writing a haunted house book, I am diving deep into anything creepy house related. This movie is a found footage film, which I am a complete sucker for.

Spoilers ahead because this is one of those movies I loved before the ending came. Once the ending hit, I instantly soured on the rest of the movie.

The movie is about five alleged adults who are going to tour haunted house attractions the week before Halloween. They ride an RV and for some unexplained reason, they film it all. Are they art students? Is this a documentary? Nope. No explanation is ever given for why they are filming this and why they ask documentary style questions of the scare workers they find.

The first hour goes like this, the group find a haunted house attraction, they go through it, they talk to employees and they manage to piss off an employee with their rather demeaning questions. The attractions they visit are real attractions you can go to, which means the production values are better than most cheap movies. I also have a fondnes for haunted house attractions so it was cool to see them even in first-person video form.

Now, in between seeing the people on their road trip, we get random interviews with haunted house owners. They all talk about hard it is to scare people these days and how you always have to do something more extreme than last time to scare jaded kids. They bring this up over and over, creating a theme of shit is getting out of hand.

The other theme that these owners all discuss is the idea that some haunted house, somewhere, might be using real corpses and no one knew. It is something they talk about with a wink and  nudge, as if they don’t quite believe it but it could happen.

The third theme, repeated often, is that all of the haunted houses share special chatrooms and message boards. They talk to each other and share information.

Now, as the characters travel, they hear rumors of an extreme house that has a new location every year. This is called Blue Skeleton and you have to know a password, or know a guy or get really lucky to even find it. They specialize in extreme scary shit and they are the best of the best. Of course, some of the characters want to check it out.

During their travels, they keep seeing clowns and monsters dressed up like the first place they went to where they pissed the owner off. This is probably the best part of the movie as these reoccurring “monsters” stand in threatening manners or appear in the woods when the heroes are camping. Keeping in mind that the haunted houses talk to each other, it is not far-fetched to think that the heroes are being harassed not by the same people, but by a network of people who want to get payback on the heroes.

The harassment escalates as the heroes get closer to finding Blue Skeleton.  Being horror movie characters, these guys decide to keep going even after their RV is broken into and video of them sleeping gets uploaded to the internet. They keep going when someone leaves a heart on a platter in their fridge. They keep going when over fifty scary clowns show up outside their RV one night.

And you know, I was okay with it. This is a very slow movie. It is part road trip, part scary houses and a very small part of creepy movie shit. Most people would hate this slow pace but I thought it was perfect. The creepy-non haunted house bits are spaced out so far apart that you can almost chalk them up to random weird shit.  The heroes themselves get bored with the scary houses halfway through the movie. I felt this slow pace was a clever way of getting the viewers to be just as jaded and eager for something to happen as the jaded audiences of modern haunted houses.

The heroes eventually reach Blue Skeleton. One of them goes missing and then they receive calls from his cell phone on where to go. They go there, and then get bound, hooded and separated. We see spliced footage of them separately entering a scary house where they encounter more scary shit until they are finally stuffed into coffins and then buried alive. End credits.

Which is about the time I hated the movie. They’re dead? It was all real? So, after being told that patrons need more and more extreme shit to scare them, we just have people killing folks? How boring.

What about that network of haunted houses? Did they work together to bring down this group? Is this a parable about screwing with the people who do scary for a living? We don’t know. They never say. that means Blue Skeleton will murder anyone who finds them, which makes me wonder how word of mouth works.

Surely after discussing corpses as props, at least one of the heroes was displayed in a gruesome manner in a haunted house? Nah, they all got buried alive and the credits immediately roll.

It is always weird someone doesn’t use Chekhov’s Gun but it is even more bizarre when they don’t use Chekhov’s Armory. It is ridiculous. If all of those themes were fake outs, then you need to at least have the characters speculate on these themes and make bad decisions because of them. Instead, we get these ideas hammered into the viewer for no good reason.

So yeah, I was disappointed but it brings me back to what I am starting to realize is Shon’s #1 Rule of Writing: Let your disappointment inspire you. As a creative type, other people’s misfires encourage me to do better. Learn from the mistakes of others. Make the story or movie that you were enjoying right up until the original creators messed up.



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