Apr 192021
 
She’s not filthy now, but give her a page.

Filthy Fetch Quest is another sex novella from Serena Silverlake set in a fantasy world. It tells the story of Alexandra, an impatient adventurer who made a really big mistake and was gangbanged by horny goblins. They stole her money, her sword, her armor and left her a sticky mess. Alexandra is greatly annoyed by the loss of equipment and money, but was happy to have the sex. She is that kind of an slut.

What follows is how Alexandra recovers from such a setback. Did I mention that is a slut? Because she does most of her recovery bent over, on her knees and stuffed full of cock. finally, she takes on a quest for a wizard, the filthy fetch quest in the title. It involves more cock.

This book was a delight to read. Equal parts filthy and funny, I was constantly smiling. Alexandra was raised in a brothel and has a very sex-positive attitude to everything. She is not a dumb bimbo, but she is impatient and that gets her into trouble.

You know, it is a tricky thing to write a slutty character who keeps messing up. In the hands of a lesser writer, Alexandra would come across as stupid, or worse, a bad stereotype of a clueless slut. This story does a great job of portraying Alexandra as that friend you have that doesn’t quite work things out before hand, but still manages to come out on top. her healthy attitude towards sex gives her a leg up (or legs open) advantage that other characters in the world don’t have. It results in stories where the character engages in hot transactional sex, but as an aggressor instead of a victim.

This is the second of Serena’s books that I have read and I am turning into a fan.

Apr 162021
 

Billy is a high school kid who wants to get a basketball scholarship so he can go to Denver College with his girlfriend. His guardian, Aunt Cheryl, wakes him up every morning by crawling over his nude body and rubbing against his face before whispering in his ear. As you can imagine, Aunt Cheryl isn’t happy with the idea of hot young Billy moving away.

What I described sounds like the start to a lot of taboo porn stories, but no, this is Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker, a horror film from 1981. Aunt Cheryl, the most inappropriate older aunt figure ever, cannot keep her hands off the boy and wants to keep him around. To do that, she will stab a television repair man and claim he tried to rape her. There, that should keep Billy around.

From here, the movie takes a detour from creepy-aunt touching. The lead detective finds out the repair man is gay and therefore wouldn’t rape a woman. He gets hung up on the gay part and assumes that Billy must be gay and they had a lover’s quarrel. The detective fills the movie with homophobic slurs and threats of gay-bashing while ignoring that Aunt Cheryl is the real killer.

Interestingly enough, the homophobic detective becomes a secondary bad guy and gets his comeuppance as well. It is remarkably progressive for an 80’s slasher film. By the end of the movie, the detective is completely disgraced as a character and the only other confirmed gay character is a hero!

But Aunt Cheryl is the real star of the movie and eventually the movie remembers that. Aunt Cheryl escalates to keep Billy around. Billy gets roofied before the big game. Teenage Julia Duffy gets hit upside the head. The nosy neighbor gets gutted. Once the killing restarts the bodies start dropping fast.

I will say, this movie was a fascinating display of cringe. Aunt Cheryl’s every action with Billy is disturbing. Later reveals about her relationship to Billy DOES NOT make it better. Even when she dies in the end, her dying action is try to get an open mouth kiss from her nephew.

So yeah, Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker. If you wish there were more slasher movies with sexually deviant older women, then this is for you!

Apr 142021
 

The video feed of my boss, Nadine, filled the monitor. She wore a burgundy pant suit today. We have been working from home for over a year but she still puts on work clothes. The matching lipstick is a bit too dark for a workspace, but no one would complain. The lack of a bra and shirt under her jacket means her pale freckled skin contrasts sharply with the suit.

Nadine wore a dark eyeshadow that gives her a slightly sinister look. Right now, they are staring at me. There is a hint of a smile on her lips.

I jacked my cock at a slow steady pace. The head of my member wa red and a drop glistens on the tiny slit. It would be so nice to speed up and climax already, but that is forbidden. I will stay hard until Nadine grants me permission.

“We reviewed twenty more audits today,” Carol said. “Five of them were unsatisfactory. Of those five, two were due to incomplete information . . .”

Carol droned on. It was hard to pay attention. My focus was on the contour of Nadine’s breasts under her suit top. I could almost picture where my boss’s nipples were.

Conference calls were my hardest challenges. Nadine insisted that I provide entertainment for her. We had a video link to each other’s computers. Every call, whether I was on it or not, she turned the link on.

Worsen I had to pay attention. Nadine might quiz me later. It was not good to fail those quizzes. That would mean the clamps. Or the ice. Maybe even the dreaded rubber bands.

“The last unsatisfactory audit was filed with an outdated form,” Carol continued.

“Was it the TH-99?” Sara asked.

“It was,” Carol said.

“I thought we had finally eliminated those documents,” Sara said.

My cock dried. It would be easier to spit but Nadine forbade it. There was a chance someone might hear. I had to lick my hand instead. It tasted like dick.

“I want a full investigation done,” Nadine said.

Her voice was cold and stern. I groaned but bit my lip just in time to stop it.

Nadine’s eyebrow arched. She looked right at me through the monitor. Did they hear my groan on the call?

My heart accelerated. If someone had heard, then maybe they would report it to Human Resources. I would be investigated. They might find out about Nadine and all of the improper ways she abuses the boss/employee dynamic. There would be firings and mandatory training for everyone else.

I guess technically, she would be the one that got in trouble, but if she got fired, who would tell me to do the filthy things I love to do?

“I’ll let Steven know,” Carol said. “He has been the point person for updating the forms.”

“I bet he will know where to look,” Sara added.

No one heard my groan. My heart was still pounding but it was going to be okay. That had been close.

“All right, go on with your report, Carol,” Nadine said.

As Carol resumed talking, Nadine pointed upwards with one finger. I was to go faster.

My stroking increased in speed. Oh, I was close. This was going to be much harder to keep from coming. It was a suitable punishment.

Apr 122021
 
Strangely, no one wears a white suit in this.

FantasPussy Island by Will Buster is a brief novella set in the year 2344. Jon, a horny guy with no personality, goes to the famous resort of FantasPussy island where every woman there will fuck you. Jon fucks, he fucks a lot and then goes home. Around page 130, something of a plot emerges and then the story is over. I wasn’t a fan.

The thing is, I don’t like to talk about bad porn novels. Every piece of smut is someone’s favorite and there is enough negativity in the world without me bashing a book. This might be will Buster’s favorite piece of work and I wouldn’t want to be the guy who takes a dump on it. Live and let write.

But something strange happened while I was reading this book. The descriptions and word choices made me wonder if the book was written for an especially lowbrow audience. Then I started to wonder if the writer has touched a woman. A few pages later, I wondered if the writer has ever touched a penis. Things got so weird that I wondered the writer was asexual and was just writing what he thought people did during sex.

And then I realized what was going on. This book has been translated from another language, and probably poorly. Take a look at these exact quotes.

“She rimmed him savagely and then his warm wetness squirted up her shit hole!”

“His cock was damn itchy and super hard.”

“He groaned with searing sex pain as more and more of his baby milk erupted into Tina.”

“Her tits jutted out in perfectly-shaped triangles that promised superb pleasures to touch and grasp.

It’s just not me, right?

So yeah, Fantapussy Island. If you need ridiculous sex talk then this is the book for you.

Apr 072021
 

Explorer’s Log: I have reached the star system designated “The Ecstasy of the Queen’s Slightest Touch,” by Royal Astronomers. There are twenty-three planets in this system and all of them are inhabited by the Entitled and their bipedal clone slaves. It may take a few days to catalog every planet while also dodging Raider ships.

The ninth planet is less populated than the others and therefore the safest to explore personally. There is a curious lack of technology on the planet, except of course for the automated clone tanks underground that occasionally spits out new clones. The clones themselves use only primitive hand weapons and live as nomads. Animal life is abundant with almost no carnivore species. Weather patterns are mild and produce is plentiful. It fits the criteria for a Garden Planet and if verified, it will be another jewel for the Queen’s collection.

The Entitled must use this planet for their war games. I have witnessed this on other worlds. The Entitled like to collect harems of soldiers and battle each other. No doubt the lack of technology is just another variant for them. The sadistic bastards must enjoy watching the clones fight with such inefficient weapons.

I want to examine one of the clone tanks. Maybe I could learn something about the bipedal clones that would let me exploit them on other planets. Sensor scans have detected a possible tunnel entrance in a sparsely populated area. I will go down and see what I can find. End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: Thanks to Chairbot getting mugged at the last station we visited, I only have one miserable weapon capable of taking on an Entitled and it’s a laser that I have to strap to my wrist. I should be okay. All the clones are carrying edged weapons and clubs; I am sure the Entitled are similarly armed. The fuckers do like their rules.

Vaquel Di squatted down in the tall grass. A cool breeze blew past and the vibrant blue grass wavered like ripples in a pond. Small birds flew in lazy circles under a clear orange sky. The rays of the bright sun warmed the soul as well as the body.

It was nice. No, it was fantastic. The sun and the breeze felt good on Vaquel’s bare skin, and today, there was a lot of skin. Instead of her normal skintight spacesuit, Vaquel decided that she needed to blend in better with the local population. She wore a white loincloth made of synthetic fur that covered her pink pubic bush but barely covered her large brown buttocks. Around her chest was a synthetic white fur bikini top that struggled to contain her massive dark tits. The scanner she used was cleverly disguised as a water gourd that she wore on a strap. She also carried a spear that she made from a tree, but that was mostly to show she was armed. For real protection, she carried the laser that Chairbot had bought, but covered it with a synthetic fur wristband.

The only thing missing from Vaquel’s disguise was dirt and filth, but she wasn’t that committed to authenticity.

There was movement in the grass. Vaquel stayed perfectly still. About ten meters away, a small group of nearly naked humanoids walked by. There was two men and two women. They stuck close together and constantly looked in all directions.

Were they hunting? They looked a little too fearful for that. A bird took flight and all four of the humanoids dropped to the grass and hid.

“Not much of an army,” Vaquel thought to herself. On other worlds, the Entitled liked to fight each other with proxy armies of sex slaves. If these primitives were soldiers, they were poor ones at that. Then again, maybe the Entitled liked the challenge of leading such cowardly forces. Who knew with those phallic assholes?

The small group took off running to the east. Vaquel wondered what spooked them. Probably their own shadows.

Vaquel returned to the task at hand. She tapped the side of her ‘gourd’. Holographic numbers appeared in the air. Power readings were nearby, which meant there was a possible entrance to the underground clone tanks.

But where? Vaquel stood up. Fields of blue grass stretched in all directions. The wind blew and set off waves of movement in the swaying grass.

“Fuck. Meter by meter circle scan it is,” Vaquel said. She stuck her spear in the ground to give her a central point. Gourd in hand, Vaquel began to walk an ever-expanding circle around her spear.

The readings were unusual. The ground had been disturbed in multiple places, and there were signs of collapsed tunnels. Something burrowed through this region and did it often.

Vaquel had a theory. The clone factories were underground, and they supplied the world with a steady supply of clones for the Entitled to abuse, but you would also want to protect the clone tanks from being broken by foolish clones. What if the clone factories shipped their clones to the surface somehow? Maybe with a tunnelling vehicle?

On her sixth circuit around her planted spear, the gourd-scanner beeped.

That was when the ground erupted. Dirt and grass flew into the air around Vaquel. Instinctively, she reached for the pistol she normally kept on the belt of her spacesuit, but all she touched was the synthetic fur of her loincloth.

Cold metal grips encased Vaquel’s waist and lifted her from the ground. Strong pincers cinched around her ankles and spread her legs apart. Another pincer snatched her loincloth and ripped it away.

It was a giant crab of some sort with a long oblong body and multiple limbs. Vaquel counted four legs and three sets of arms of descending sizes. The largest arms and pincers had her waist. The second largest held her legs apart and the smallest set of arms had stripped her loincloth. There was no discernable head or eyes, though there were some curious looking whorls on the surface of the shell.

Wait, that looked like a metal shell. Vaquel grabbed the arms around her waist and felt a hard alloy. This was no natural creature; this was a mechanized body.

Could this be the vehicle the clone factories used to deliver clones to the surface? The shell was big enough to hold a clone, although it might be a little cramped. Vaquel decided to wait and see what the crab did.

“Aren’t you a big clone!” the crab said in crude Palatino. The sound came from speakers on the arms. “I’ve never seen this color of hair before. Are you a rare?”

It was a fucking Entitled! Now that Vaquel knew what she was looking at, she realized the whorls on the shell was actually writing. It read, “HoleBuster-442.’

Something touched her head from behind. One of the smallest arms had extended around her. It stroked her short pink hair in an almost pleasing manner.

Vaquel was annoyed by her naivety. The clone slaves on this planet might be restricted to primitive weapons, but the Entitled wouldn’t feel compelled to handicap themselves that way. These bastards had just as much respect for rules as Vaquel did.

It was a good thing that Vaquel had her wrist laser. The stupid crab hadn’t bothered to restrain her hands. She just needed to figure out where to aim. Fuck that. She would just shoot every bit of it until it stopped moving.

One of the small metal hands went to her sex. It was surprisingly tender. The pincer rubbed up and down the slit of her pussy.

Vaquel decided to hold off on shooting it just yet.

“Is the interior of your fur-burrow as big as the exterior?” HoleBuster-442 asked.

Vaquel wasn’t sure how the primitive clones on this world talked, so she kept her mouth shut. She squirmed within the crab’s pincers but was careful not to actually wiggle free. To complete her disguise as a helpless captive, she bit her lip in mock-fear.

The small pincer pushed inside Vaquel’s sex. The ridges on the claws felt wonderful. Vaquel clenched down and shuddered.

“That’s a good fit,” HoleBuster-442 said. “I was out here spawn camping for new clones. I like to snatch them as soon as they crawl out of the ground. There is nothing like new slubie holes. I like to be the first Entitled they get in their little fur-burrows.”

Aha! That confirmed Vaquel hypothesis about how the clones get to the surface, though she didn’t think they would dig their way up. It showed a lack of concern about the clones and their safety. That was something to think about.

The Entitled’s story about ambushing newly born clones also confirmed her very well documented theory that the Entitled are all assholes.

The claw began to pump inside Vaquel. It moved slowly, exploring the depths and tightness of her slick sex. The small arm swiveled and looked for new angles to plunge into her.

Vaquel clenched her mouth shut. It felt great. She wiggled her pelvis as much as the pincers around her waist would allow. One of her breasts fell out of her tight fur top but the Entitled inside the crab didn’t seem to notice.

“I’m going to make this fur-borrow my cock-lair, but I have to make sure you’re wet enough first, slubie,” HoleBuster-442 said.

Vaquel whimpered submissively. Some of it was acting.

The pincers holding Vaquel’s ankles spread her legs wider apart. Just when she thought that her legs couldn’t spread any further, the pincers stopped. The stretching was just on the edge of being painful. Vaquel felt terribly exposed, which only turned her on more.

The wind gusted around them. The tall blue grass bent in submission. The cool wind kissed Vaquel’s pussy lips as she was being fucked.

The claw inside her sex moved faster. It pumped in and out with mechanical precession. Between thrusts, the claw would rotate one hundred and eighty degrees before plunging back in. The ridges on the claws grinded wonderfully against the walls of her pussy.

It was getting harder for Vaquel to keep quiet. The Entitled was damn good at what he did. Tremors ran down her spread legs. The urge to clench her thighs around the thrusting claw was incredible and being denied that urge only made her wetter. She grabbed her exposed breast and brough the nipple to her mouth. Biting down on her soft flesh sent a shiver through her body and kept from crying out.

“You enjoy that, don’t you, you over-sized slubie,” HoleBuster-442 said. “Your fur-borrow is so lucky I am fucking it! No one invades a fur-burrow like me! This is the best you have ever had!”

Vaquel shuddered with pleasure but her analytical mind couldn’t help judging the alien’s statement. It was good, but she was sure that she had better. A few past lovers came to mind as well as once or twice with her own hands. She stayed quiet though. The Entitled were like most cocks in that they were made of mostly ego.

Something touched Vaquel’s thigh. It was the other small crab hand. At some point it had stopped petting her hair and she forgotten about it. This one gently pinched the inside of her dark thigh. It was light enough that it didn’t hurt, but the extra stimulation made her skin all the more sensitive. She bit down harder on her plump breast to keep from screaming.

“I know what slubies like,” HoleBuster-442 said. “Once they take a ride on my claws, then I invade their fur-borrows personally. You’re going to beg me to keep you but I’m going to get my trophy, toss you aside as soon as I finish. I’ll be fucking another slubie while you spend your days and nights wishing I would come back for you! But I am not going to come back! I fuck them and leave them! That is what I do and you are just going to be another poor slubie dreaming about me being inside you again!”

The Entitled’s unlikely scenario enflamed Vaquel’s lusts. She pictured herself wondering this primitive planet in search of this one alien. Her pussy would ache and drip but nothing could every satisfy her again. She would give up traveling through space just to get fingered by a crab machine again.

Sometimes the more ludicrous fantasies are the ones that Vaquel needed. She climaxed. Pleasure blossomed from her pussy and spread through her body. She cried out her pleasure in a primal scream.

“That’s right, soak my claw,” HoleBuster-442 said over the speakers.

The claw came to a stop inside of her. Vaquel shuddered with the aftershocks of her orgasm. She opened her mouth and her exposed breast fell from her lips.

Oh, that was nice but Vaquel still had a mission to do. Maybe it was time to wrap this up and shoot herself free. She looked down and tried to judge where to best fire her shot. Maybe at the joint where the arm connects to the shell? She pulled the fur wristband covering from her laser.

“Now you are ready for me,” HoleBuster-442 said. “Prepare to be astonished!”

The small claw pulled out of Vaquel’s sex. She whimpered at the absence in her pussy. The large claws holding her waist pulled her up and over to the top of the crab body. The pinchers holding her ankles brought her legs up and together, stretched out in a sitting position.

“Behold my immense power!” HoleBuster-442 screamed.

The top of the crab shell cracked open. A red cock with white circles emerged. Cybernetic implants at the base of the phallus secured the Entitled to his mech body. The alien phallus throbbed and pulsed.

Vaquel looked down. It was a nicely shaped and a bit thick, but ‘immense’ might have been an exaggeration. Still, she wouldn’t mind having it inside her. She pulled the fur wristband covering back over her laser. Maybe the alien could fuck as well as he fingered.

“I can see you are stunned by my giant size!” HoleBuster-442 said. “Even your giant fur-borrow might not be able to contain me! Prepare to be stretched beyond your wildest dreams!”

Vaquel bit her lip to keep from laughing out loud.

The large crab arms lowered Vaquel down towards the Entitled. The tip of the phallic alien wiggled against her pussy lips. The arms kept lowering Vaquel as the Entitled slipped inside her. Down she went until she was completely impaled on the boastful cock.

Vaquel shuddered. The Entitled wiggled and writhed inside of her. It wasn’t the biggest that she had ever had, but he was certainly among the most mobile. Her closed legs added to the snugness of the fit. The Entitled’s frantic writhing inside of her was hitting all the right spots. If he vibrated, he would be damn near perfect.

“Yes! So much delicious fuck cream!” the crab speakers blasted. “Feel my power within you! Take the best cock you will ever have in your pathetic slubie life! Prepare for ultimate fur-burrow drilling!”

The crab arms suddenly lifted Vaquel’s body upwards and then dropped her back down on the Entitled’s impaling body. The collision of the metal shell on her bare ass stung like a slap. The thick alien rammed deep up inside her. A split-second later, the motion repeated and kept going.

“Fuck!” Vaquel cried out, forgetting her pretense of silence. The rapid fucking caught her by surprise. The hard metal shell of the crab smacked her ass with each drop of the claws. Her remaining breast bounced out of her fur bikini top and now both tits flopped wildly. She grabbed the large claws for support but her fingers slid off the smooth metal.

The claws used Vaquel’s body as a sleeve to fuck the Entitled. Despite the incredible speed, the claws never lifted Vaquel high enough for the Entitled to leave her pussy. The squirming alien filled her sex with each jarring impact. Juices drenched the Entitled and formed a puddle on the crab shell.

Vaquel gritted her teeth. Her ass burned from the rapid collisions with the shell. Both breasts bounced and swung with their own centrifugal force. The position of her closed legs meant every drop was snug and constricted. Her pussy melted from the non-stop pounding.

The helplessness of the situation increased Vaquel’s arousal. She was being used like a toy. The Entitled wouldn’t let her spread her legs to release some of the tightness. With the exception of her secret wrist weapon, she was being completely dominated. Another climax was swiftly fucked out of her.

“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel shouted. A group of startled birds took flight from the tall blue grass.

“Yes!” the crab speakers hissed. “Spout your savage babble! Crumble in submission as I claim your fur-burrow!”

The fucking increased. Vaquel sobbed in bliss. Her ass was a stinging star. The wiggling phallus inside her ravaged her captive pussy. One of her breasts slapped her face and she didn’t care. She threw her head back and stared up at the clear orange sky as another orgasm rose within her.

“Glory to the fucking Queen!” Vaquel shouted again.

“Yes!” HoleBuster-442 shouted. “Yes! Yes! This is my cock-lair now! This wet slick hole belongs to me! Oh-I’m going to detonate!”

The crab claws suddenly stopped. Vaquel’s large brown tits slapped her again in the face before dropping. Her tender ass burned against the multiple slams into the metal shell.

Hot seed filled Vaquel’s sex. The Entitled spasmed inside of her. The thick seed stuffed her slick pussy and spilled from her sex lips.

“Ohhhhhhhhh,” the crab speakers blasted.

Vaquel caught her breath. She hadn’t realized she had been panting. The crab arms stayed tight around her. The pincers around her legs kept them stretched out.

Should she escape now? There was a clear line of sight to the joint she had picked out earlier. Vaquel held her fire. Maybe the Entitled wanted to keep fucking. She wouldn’t mind another round.

Oh Cruel Queen, did that mean she was addicted to the Entitled’s cock body after all? Had HoleBuster-442 been telling the truth? When she left, was she going to pine for him?

Vaquel snorted. That was ridiculous. No, she was just willing to have a little more before she left this planet. That was perfectly normal, right?

A minute passed. HoleBuster-442 was silent and also still. The wind blew and was cold against Vaquel’s nipples. She stuffed her tits back into her white fur bikini top.

Another minute passed. Vaquel became impatient. She clenched around the alien.

“No more, no more,” the speakers crackled. The crab arms lifted Vaquel upwards and forward. The alien slipped out of her sensitive pussy. Seed and juice splattered down onto the shell. The Entitled sunk back down into the depths of the crab body as the opening in the shell sealed shut.

Vaquel was disappointed but she noticed it was a normal level of disappointment. It wasn’t an insane level of disappointment that meant she was addicted to his alien body. No, what she felt was a normal response to having a good fucking and wanting just a little more.

Then again, Vaquel was a bit tired. It would be nice if the Entitled would just let her go and be along his way. It would save her the trouble of fighting him. Besides, after a fuck like that, she was feeling merciful.

The crab arms let go of her feet but the larger arms held onto her waist.

Another part of the crab shell cracked open. A new arm came out. There was something sharp on the end of it. The sharp end began to buzz.

“Hold still while I get my trophy,” HoleBuster-442 said. “Don’t interfere or it will cut your hands.”

Trophy? Vaquel had seen this before. One Entitled took pictures of her tits. Chairbot reported that some Entitled on the station he visited liked to collect articles of clothing. Maybe HoleBuster-442 wanted to take her loincloth or her top.

The arm with the buzzing tip moved towards Vaquel’s head. Understanding crashed into Vaquel. The fucker was going to cut her hair!

“Fuck this!” Vaquel said. She pointed her wrist laser at the buzzing arm and fired.

ZAPPP! A crimson beam sliced right through the shaving arm. The top half of the arm fell to the ground.

“That was a laser! Slubies aren’t allowed lasers!” HoleBuster-442 yelled.

The claw arms tightened around Vaquel’s waist. Crushing pain assaulted her pelvis.

ZAPPPP! The laser sheared the crab arm at the joint where it connected to the shell. The pincer popped open. ZAPPP! Vaquel shot the other arm and dropped to the ground.

“Oh spoor,” HoleBuster-442 said.

ZAPPP! Vaquel shot one of the legs out from under the crab.

“Stop! Wait!” HoleBuster-442 said as the mechanical crab scrambled backwards on its remaining legs. “This body is not equipped for laser weapons!”

Vaquel laughed. ZAPPP! There went another leg.

Two of the crab arms lunged towards Vaquel. She danced back and fired. ZAPPP! ZAPPP! The arms fell to ground.

“This isn’t fair!” HoleBuster-442 yelled. “Slubies are made to be hunted! Not to hunt us! Who gave you a weapon, you ignorant savage!”

ZAPPP! Vaquel shot out another leg as she circled the crab.

“I bought it,” Vaquel said. “From a weapons dealer on a space station. Well, my robot did.”

HoleBuster-442 gasped. “I fucked an off-worlder? Ewww! Fine, go away! I don’t need a trophy anyway!”

Vaquel stopped firing. She pulled lightly on her damp bush. “Really? You don’t want this nice pink hair in your collection?”

The crab body stopped retreating. “Maybe just your pubic hair?” HoleBuster-442 said.

“No,” Vaquel said.

ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP!

Sparks flew from the perforated remains of the crab machine. Whole sections cracked open and spilled parts and circuits to the grass. Hydraulic fluid pumped like burst arteries. The smell of burnt metal hung in the air despite the breeze

Vaquel reached into the wreckage. She felt around and wrapped her fingers around something soft and terrified. Pulling her hand free, she looked at the red phallus with white spots that she had captured.

“Come to think if it, maybe I want a trophy.”

The Entitled wiggled in terror.

Mar 312021
 

Meanwhile, at the Justice Force headquarters.

Major Valor: Bad news, Justice Force. Professor Nasty has kidnapped the Mayor again.

Night Bane: Again?

DJ Punch: Aw, shit.

Lady Fire: I thought the Junior Justice Legion was protecting him?

Major Valor: They were but Professor Nasty spiked their breakfast with super-laxatives. She kidnapped the Mayor while the Legion was uh, incapacitated.

DJ Punch: You mean they shit themselves and now we’re the ones in the shit.

Lady Fire: What is the wicked Professor’s demanding this time?

Major Valor: She is requesting another orgy

Night Bane:

Lady Fire:

DJ Punch: Fuck, yeah!

Major Valor: She also says that if we do not arrive by midnight, she will debone the Mayor.

DJ Punch: Like, with a knife or some sort of beam that removes his bones?

Night Bane: It doesn’t matter how. She is brilliant and evil enough to make good on her word. She is honorable in her own way. She will release the Mayor if we give her what she wants.

Lady Fire: Sadly, this true. I agree with Night Bane. We must give in her to demands.

Major Valor: Agreed.

DJ Punch: I told her last time that if she needed some dick, she didn’t have to go kidnapping people. I’m willing to tap that smart ass for free!

Night Bane:

Lady Fire:

Major Valor: Anyway, the Professor requires us to meet her at the old sex toy factory near the docks.

Lady Fire: Has she told us how to perform? I want time to prepare for the depravities she requires.

Major Valor: She sent me a very detailed e-mail on the subject with several images she commissioned from internet artists. Night Bane, you will be on kissing duty. She requests you use two breath mints this time.

Night Bane: Noted.

Major Valor: Lady Fire, Professor Nasty requires you to stand behind her and grope her breasts from behind. You will also kiss her neck but no biting this time. She wants you to wear your black leather gloves.

Lady Fire: Understood.

DJ Punch: What about me? Does she want to ride my cock again?

Major Valor: That is a negative. She said that you enjoyed it too much. This time she wants you blindfolded and handcuffed to dildo presser. Also, she wants your underwear stuffed in your mouth so you can’t speak.

DJ Punch: Son of a bitch!

Night Bane: Well, at least there will be less talking this time. What is your job, Major?

Major Valor: I will be required to service her vagina with my mouth and then my penis. It will be a vile deed but I am willing to do it for the sake of the Mayor, and for Justice!

Night Bane: For Justice!

Lady Fire: For Justice!

DJ Punch: Maybe I’ll get to fuck her next time.

Mar 292021
 
Man, I want to taste the rainbow.

Leisure Suit Larry is a computer game franchise that had a huge impact on me as a writer and pervert. I played the very first game way back when I was a teenager and a bit too young to understand all the dirty bits. The puzzles were far too hard for me but I still loved it. It was a gamechanger ( pun not intended) for me as it never occurred to me that you could make games dealing with sex. I immediately started making my own computer sex game using BASIC. I didn’t have a computer, but I would fill notebooks with the code. These early programs were the ancestors to the interactive porn I write today.

Leisure Suit Larry will always have a soft spot in my heart and I have played every game in the series. Like most comedy from the 80’s/90’s, the older games haven’t aged well. There are way too many homophobic jokes and the less said about they treat transgender characters the better. The games are also guilty of the trope of giving the right puzzle piece to women in order to have sex. This is often alleviated by the fact that Larry’s objectification of women makes him the butt of jokes and a person everyone scorns, but still, quite problematic.

Which brings us to Leisure Suit Larry: Wet Dreams Don’t Dry. Published in 2018, this game starts with Larry waking up in a strange laboratory underground. He goes to the surface and realizes 30+ years have passed and he hasn’t aged a bit. This new world baffles him but he still wants to get laid. Aided by an experimental cell phone Artificial Intelligence, he tries to navigate the new world of dating apps.

This version of Larry manages two miracles. One, it might be the most woke of the entire series. The one transgender character is portrayed positively and several homosexual characters are depicted as real people instead of something to ridicule or be afraid of. The ethnic characters are real people and not stereotypes. It might be the first Larry game that I didn’t wince at.

The second miracle is that it is actually funny. Humor can be hit or miss and sexual humor is even harder. This game made me laugh out loud several times. The art is lovely and every background has great details that make studying the game worthwhile.

If you were ever curious about the Leisure Suit Larry games, then I can’t think of a better one to start with than this one.

Mar 262021
 

Did you ever listen to Enigma and thought to yourself, “Hey, I like these dance beats, but I wish these Gregorian Chants were replaced with women moaning, crying out and asking for it to be harder?” Well, Sexsonica has come to the rescue with not just one, but FOUR albums of just that kind of music in the Sexualsong series.

To be honest, they all sort of blend into one another but maybe that is the goal. These NSFW songs are not the kind you listen to while driving, doing chores or out on a walk but I find they make excellent smut writing music as it sounds like you’re trying to type during a dance club orgy. The few spoken words are repetitive enough not to be distracting for creative endeavors.

Of the four albums, I tend to like Sexualsong 2 the best.

Mar 242021
 

The Cat meowed at my window. It was a desperate sound, full of hunger and need. She cried a second time and this time the meow stretched out for a full ten seconds.

It sounded like she was at the kitchen window, although now that spring was here, I had all of the windows open. Still, I doubted that she would be so bold as to come any of the windows at the front of the house. I set my away message on my work laptop and went to the kitchen to investigate.

There she was, right against the sliding glass door I had cracked open. I recognized the white cat mask that she always wore. She stretched her arms up and arched her back. This pressed her small breasts into the mesh of the screen door. Both nipples were hard and almost brown. She wiggled her hips as if to draw attention to the white fur that now covered her pussy. That was new. She normally came to me bare.

I took in the sight of her. Previously, she only came at night when the neighborhood was asleep and everything was quiet. This was the first time I had been able to look at her body in full day light. I liked what I saw.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” I said. “What has it been? Since last March? Before this stupid pandemic, right?”

The Cat ignored my questions, like she always does. Brown eyes stared at me from behind her cat mask. A pink tongue licked her lips as her eyes darted to the rising bulge in my sweatpants.

“Seriously though, have you been okay?” I asked. “I was worried about you and well, it is not like I have your number or have a way to contact you.”

The Cat licked a spot on her arm, clearly bored with my questions.

“Fair enough,” I said. She never talked before, so why start now? I went to the door and reached for the handle.

The Cat smiled. She stepped back from screen door and turned around. A long white tail swung from her ass.

Oh wow. Normally she wears a belt for her tail but not this time. The tail hung from a plug in her ass. There had been some changes since last I saw her.

The Cat walked over to the rail on my porch. She bent over the rail and spread her legs. Looking over her shoulder, she meowed at me again.

I paused. This was new as well. Normally the Cat liked to crawl in the grass. Sometimes up against an outside wall, but always in the darkest spot possible. She had never been this bold before.

Before I stepped out of my kitchen, I grabbed a face mask. She wasn’t wearing one but there was point asking about vaccinations. It was better safe then sorry.

“Are you sure?” I asked. Across from my porch was a short plank fence that did nothing to block the view of the next yard over. My neighbor to the left had a separate garage that provided privacy but my neighbors to the left had a deck with a clear view of my porch. It was the opposite of private.

The Cat hissed. Her back arched. She was tired of questions. Delay any longer and she would leave. She had left before when I was too hesitant.

“Fuck,” I swore. I stepped behind the Car and pulled my sweatpants down to my ankles. My cock popped free and brushed her tail. She moaned when I held her tail up to guide my dick to her wet pussy.

I went inside her. She was as perfect as I remembered. Holding the tail up, I fucked her from behind. The large plug pulled at her asshole in delightful ways.

The Cat shuddered. Her pussy clenched tight. She clamped a hand over her mouth but I could still hear her cry out with every thrust.

Mar 222021
 

A man returns home to his apartment to find his wife is missing. In between flashbacks of knife play with nipples, he searches for his wife. He only searches within the apartment building but that is enough to keep him occupied. Each person he encounters has their own, although very tangential, connection to his wife. It always involves relating their own flashback of sex and mystery.

Welcome to the Strange Color of You Body’s Tears, a 2013 French film. It is a tribute to the Giallo films, although I would argue much better than the genre it emulates. Giallo films are notoriously dream like and incoherent as well as being murderfests of pretty women. This movie keeps the dreams and incoherence, but drops the highly misogynistic murders. The multiple characters bringing their own flashbacks turns the movie into an anthology series with the husband’s quest for his wife providing a frame story.

That is not to say there still isn’t some murders. There is one murder scene that is especially gruesome, but since the murderer seems to also be the victim, it feels less like shocking violence and more like a visualization of internal struggle. Maybe. Who the fucks knows in this movie because again: dream like incoherence.

The real star of this movie is the visuals. Eyes fill the screen. The apartment building is a work of art. A woman’s top is removed to reveal blinding light instead of skin. A gloved hand touches a woman’s face and it joined by another and then another until a dozen hands are caressing her. Some of the shots are breathtaking and other shots are almost laughable with their blunt imagery, but it is also interesting to watch.

People are going to hate this movie or love it. One thing I can guarantee is that they won’t forget it.